A loner's Ravings

2011-11-21T07:00:00.001-08:00

I haven't blogged for quite some time now. It is not because I haven't found any cause for it. Maybe the cause found me-if you don't mind that much profundity in an opening statement. Loner's status does not vanish abruptly. In spite of Prozac or whatever.
The real nuts out there know what I am talking about. The days these days are more dreary, less worthy of anything whatsoever, much less blogging. And words fail me. I am not quite in the WS, of Avon.class. Of course that is ego. a rather small one at that. By my standards. So what should I do? Angry Birds? Don't make me laugh and cry and hit you at the same time. If you are not reachable, I don't want to hit myself. I don't want to hurt myself, you see. Not when I am manic.

2011-07-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

It rained and rained all day. The rivers swelled, the rivulets roared merrily. The patter of rain drops on the water which covered the earth was like the laughter of a demon.

2010-12-17T07:31:00.000-08:00

I write this after a long while. The torment of meaningless existence increases day by day. I do not know what to do.

2010-12-06T04:39:00.001-08:00

I am getting those "jitters" again. Not really palpitation, not really anything at all. Just feeling sort of lonely.

2010-08-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

I am not really getting worried/worked-up/whatever. But somebody asked me recenty if I have Parkinson's. What do you know !! Maybe that was the problem all along. If so this blog should get interesting as the days merge into years and I into eternity.

2010-06-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

I am not sure I want to write anything here. Dark Angel, you win. You have taken too much from me, my friend.

Death

2010-03-11T04:04:00.000-08:00

Death, my companion,
Reclaim what belongs to you.
I am ready.

2010-03-01T08:23:00.001-08:00

I tried to be better than myself and what do you know, here I am, all messed up.

2010-02-27T08:17:00.001-08:00

It is so easy to forget that a loner's life is just that. Lonely to the point of loneliness. And what is more, that is ust the kind of life every one likes to screw up some more. Even the mother.

2010-02-23T22:26:00.001-08:00

Loneliness.
My eternal companion.
Devour me.
Drown me in your fathomless love

2010-02-17T07:28:00.001-08:00

I am confused. So what is new ! But I mean, this is serious. like in Serious. You see, I lost track of who I am. As in dementia, you would say. Maybe. I am in no mood to argue such a minor issue.

It is ike I am really near the end.

2010-02-04T09:30:00.000-08:00

For a few days I thought I was in heaven. Now I am back to earth with a whimper. And the choice was mine ! That doesn't make it any better.

2010-01-29T08:38:00.000-08:00

Loner !!!!
You have been punished with this life.
Endure.
It's time you grew up.
This isn't half the punishment you deserve.

2009-12-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

The privacy of Death enthralls me. The everlasting silence. What else can possibly be more definite, more ultimate than that. I mean, once dead, you stay dead. Period. And explanations-- come on !! Don't make me laugh. Try explaining stuff to the insatiable companion known by various names, Death being the one I like most. You can hate the companion or you can like him but he never wavers. He likes you all along and so much that no matter what you think, feel, or have ever imagined about him is insufficient. He is not dark, he is not fearsome, he is not scary. He is the best and most beautiful friend anyone can ever have.

Welcome, dear friend. I await thee.

2009-11-27T23:46:00.001-08:00

I have neglected the Loner. Will be back.

2009-10-24T10:32:00.001-07:00

Deny me what I do not deserve

2009-09-11T00:21:00.001-07:00

Be as happy after death as before.

2009-09-02T13:31:00.001-07:00

True love, like any other fatal illness, can occur only once in life. It lingers and slowly gnaws you to death. There is no escape, mainly because you wouldn't want to escape the sweet agony that inexorable extinction.

2009-08-25T20:30:00.001-07:00

I am back to my old self. Depressed, numb. I seem to have lost even the few friends I had.

2009-08-20T20:40:00.001-07:00

Miracles too obey the Third Law of motion. Every good miracle has an opposite bad miracle. As the swine in Gadarenes discovered.

2009-08-19T23:01:00.001-07:00

He went to the lake. To his usual place.
The deep rumble of the lake soothes. You need to listen with your soul though. The deep mystery of the lake is beyond the mortal ear

2009-08-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

Accepting defeat does not come easily or naturally. Yet I have reached a stage where acceptance is less painful than continuing the fihht.

2009-08-08T01:45:00.000-07:00

Manic Depressive Psychosis is a funny kind of illnes.

2009-08-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

This time I think it is final.
I feel numb. Drained. All emotions gone.
Nothing matters anymore.

And, no, I don't need Prozac

2009-07-31T01:28:00.000-07:00

The fever subsided. But the right ear remained blocked. The doctor, ever so cautious, prescribed some medicines. He also said she might need "further evaluation".
She was scared. A simple cold, fever and blocked sinus. That is all there is to it, she told herself.
Yet she knew she was deluding herself. There is no way out of this. The smallest illness would appear menacing.

Memories

2009-07-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

Again I am back in the valley of memories. Cold rain thunders down all around me. It has been raining here for three days without a pause. So I am confined to my room most of the time.
The rain is so madly heavy, the earth and the grass doesn't smell fresh, like after the first drops of rain kissing the earth. I get the smell of muddy water, washing away the slime of summer.
You are here. Everywhere. I see you in the rain. In the grass. In my soul. I can see your smile and your laughter in the play of the rain and the earth.
I miss you so much, it is like the rain has washed away my very being. I don't see why I am here, all alone.
Be happy, Dearest.

Questions.

2009-07-20T03:29:00.000-07:00

The impact of the diagnosis had been devastating. Her thoughts flew to the old days-the good days, she thought wryly. Were they ever good? The introspection had begun some days ago. She had started asking questions about herself. About things she had never imagined could even be questioned. Things like breakfast. What is there to question about breakfast? Well, try this - Why should I make breakfast. Or any other food for that matter. Why wash the clothes?

2009-07-19T00:48:00.000-07:00

I have been reading up on alcoholism. Apparently you are an alcoholic when your life revolves around alcohol, when it starts affecting your family, friends, work and your life in general. At that point, in fact a long before that point you are already an alcoholic, only thing is you had never realized it. Soon the point of no return is reached when you are totally enslaved.

Coward

2009-07-10T20:18:00.001-07:00

My old companion is back. Dark, brooding, forever sincere and relentless, like god.
You hold my life in your hands and play with it. No quarter given.
Dear friend, darkest depression. You visit uninvited and you take control.
I am tired. Sick and tired of fighting you. I accept defeat. Call me coward, but I cannot fight anymore.

2009-07-06T05:55:00.000-07:00

What power, what evil power does alcohol have over me ! I know I am not alone. But the world of fiction ceated by this liquid is indeed small and fearsome. And I have to battle alone. No excuses, man. It is not just your world.

SWOT

2009-06-30T21:40:00.001-07:00

Time. The great healer. How true. The pain of knowledge is now wearing away. Slowly easing.
As she left the clinic he found himself bewildered by the deep mystery of knowledge. Historical knowledge to knowledge of the future. Maybe everything is same.
SWOT. He thougt wryly. Planning for the unplannable.

2009-06-25T23:01:00.001-07:00

Help.

2009-06-22T09:24:00.001-07:00

Why did you think you would be welcome all the time ! You are a cipher. A nonentity.
Do not intrude into their privacy.
Solitude cannot be shared.

2009-06-22T02:55:00.001-07:00

Sunrise elated her. What glory just to be alive.

2009-06-19T05:30:00.001-07:00

What happens when your nose dominates your day and your night and the rest of your life. Her reaction on that fateful day when the poor, helpless doctor reluctantly broke the news to her had been spontaneous. Almost a reflex.
What happens to my son, my husband. They are my family. They need me. But now the monstrous, ruthless nose hid them. I am a nose. My life is a nose. As hard as I try to forget it, the phenomenal nose dances back to life. Mocking me, my family, my values, everything I cherish.
Her life had changed, she realized dully. Changed irrevocably.

The Nose

2009-06-16T21:30:00.001-07:00

Life has become a twenty four hour grind, a loosing struggle with the mundane. She had never realized a nose could be so overpoweringly important.
Every waking moment was dominated by the nose. In sleep it beame menacingly huge and heavy pulling her head down. Night after night she dreamt that she had become just a Nose.

2009-06-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

I have completed my work as best as I could. That is far short of all that I wanted to do. Some things must remain unfulfilled. Forever. Among them will remain much of what I cherished.
No regrets, though. Human is by default unfullfilled.

2009-05-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

He couldn't get her off his mind. He had seen so many cancers - there was nothing really special about this case.
Except maybe the intensity of her family ties. She stood at the center of the family circle, like the sun.
Darkness must follow her inevitable demise.

The Son

2009-05-26T20:57:00.001-07:00

The boy was trying to run witout falling. He had flatfoot and weak muscles. The strain of the overwhelming desire to run and play had made him sweat.
She watched him silently, numbly. My son. She remembered the thrill of his first step in her womb. The seed had sprouted. That was seven years ago. The never fading memories of the exultation and agony of motherhood. The everlasting anguish of a mother who knows her only child cannot be fully normal.
The boy fell down on the lawn, picked himself up bravely and continued running.
My son, she thought. Be brave, be ready to be alone.

2009-05-24T20:44:00.001-07:00

The bleeding from the nose has stopped, she noted with relief. Temporary relief, she realized. Secondaries in the bone recur with the inevitalbility of death. Flimsy. That is what life is.

2009-05-17T00:30:00.001-07:00

Death. Blessed slumber. Beacon of everlasting peace. Hallowed companion.
Life. The first tentative step towards eternity.
So why despair about cancer.

The Transformation

2009-05-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

She was home. She was at work. She was at a loss.
What is happening? She had no idea. All she knew was that she had changed almost overnight. Small things irritated her so much she realized she was quarreling all the time. That is stupid, they did nothing wrong, she told herself. Maybe it is because I have changed. And how !!

2009-05-12T10:59:00.001-07:00

The day was finally over. He was back home. Back to his never ending introspection.

Today her image obscured everything else. The small, ominous red spot in that nose. The unhappy girl trying vainly to be brave. All her anxiety, all her fears showed so painfully through that wan mask.
The thought of the tumor growing in her nose, the deformity of that lovely face, the pain and the eventual, eternal sleep that would claim her soon.

Have I helped her ?

How futile !

First blood

2009-05-11T10:11:00.001-07:00

She noticed it after the steam inhalation session. The small speck of blood in her left nostril. Philosophy is no good when faced with blood. Instinctively she realised what it was. The cancer is angry, restless. It is eating away my nose. A prelude to the pain and deformity that is my destiny.

Silence

2009-04-18T09:56:00.001-07:00

Listen intently. That is the silence whispering.

The Scan

2009-04-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

The cruel, unrelenting spot was still there on the scan. It seemed to smirk, like a living monster, saying "Go on. Try to get rid of me, if you can." She stared numbly at the scan.
The doctor was babbling something about it being OK, we will take the treatment again. Some part of her mind heard those words, and judged them for what they were- mere words. She wanted to stay calm, not let go. At the same time she wanted to scream: "Listen, Doc. You are taking about my body, this disease eating away My body, and possible end of my existence. So what do you mean- we will try again!"
At the same time she realized, she was being unreasonable. After all this guy is only a doctor. He is not God. And I have been praying to the Almighty every waking hour of my life, for I don't know how long. And He chose to slap this scan on me. And He knows best.
She felt laughter and tears of anguish mix deep in her soul. All right God. If it be thy will, I accept. Anyway, You don't give much choice, do you.
She wondered about all the prayers. All the fasting and ridiculous rituals she had tried, and the immense Hope she had placed in the Great Power. And now, here she was, in front of this silly guy, trying to console her. You have no idea about the torment of being a wife and a mother. Then how can you ever hope to understand what it means to be a wife and a mother and realize that you will leave this world so much sooner than either the husband or the son. The torment of knowing that without her they would be helpless.
Maybe I am over ratting myself, she reminded herself. This beautiful world existed before me. It will continue to exist after me. All these people and the dust and the noise. I won't even be missed after a while.
Adieu.

2009-03-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

Words. Worthless scribbles. This year has been dry, for this blog.

2008-12-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

"Whenever I feel lonely, I curse you from the bottom of my heart. If you feel guilty at least once before you die, I will praise the God". The you in the above refers to this loner

2008-12-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted a word in nearly two months. That is a billion years in blogdom. But these last couple of months have been really bad for me. Actually the last seven months. I didn't know I had it me to hold out so long when faced with such a fierce moral disquiet. It is all right to talk about being a loner, but this stupid world is real and the agonies of existence are all to real.
I am no longer what I used to be. The old loner is no more. The external world which I inhabit appears the same. The trees, the weather, the skies and the stars are all the same. But something disappeared form the world and from my soul.
Now I realize the true meaning of loneliness. I am beginning to understand why He prayed alone and why He wept.
I! Even the word I irritates me now. It reminds me of this useless body. I have started looking forward to the day when whatever is locked up inside this body is finally liberated, be the destination what it may. I cannot care less.
Heaven. Hell. Sin. Come on!! What can be worse than this world. Or my life.

The Prayer

2008-10-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

"And when He had sent the multitudes away,He went up on a mountain by Himself to pray. Now when evening came, He was alone there" (Mat 14:23).

How could anyone express the anguish of a loner better than this! What went through his mind during this time, when the evening found Him alone? When he prayed later, that the cup may, if such be HIS will, pass from him. Total, unspeakable loneliness.

All prayer is in utter loneliness even when you pray in the " street corner".

2008-10-05T13:14:00.000-07:00

I am geting confused. If the saviour died taking upon himself all the sins of mankind, am I still a sinner? Or where my sins taken care of 2000 years ago?

2008-08-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

How quickly life changes. She said. She had reason to say that. Six months ago, when I had seen her last, she was as pretty as ever. Now cancer has eaten its way into her brain. Chemotherapy has devastated her body. Only the old fighting spirit remains. And the humor.

2008-07-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

The dark clouds loom yet again. The wind screams vengefully. I sit, as usual, watching the waves roll and play and inviting me to join. To become part of its substance. Not yet, my friend. Not yet. My time will come, to join you. And we shall play together

Marriage

2008-07-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

He said
"The woman I am married to told me she is waiting for me to die,
That she prays everyday I go to work that I would die in some car crash or somethng.
That she dislikes worms"

Now, That is one good, affectionate family !
So why on earth are you two staying together
Fraying each others nerves
And shredding each others and the kids lives !!

Some things are best when they are over and done with forever.

2008-07-09T10:42:00.001-07:00

She has passed away
From the world
Of mythical reality
To the really mythical

The heart stopping smile
The laughter
The jokes which hid
A great, gnawing sorrow

I shall remember
Unto my own private death
And then
For all eternity

Rest in peace, dearest

Conscience

2008-06-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

Today discussion revolved around conscience. What exactly is it? Does it exist? If it does, is it a logical entity. Or merely a figment of human despair, trying to cling to such absurdities to explain the unexplainable. The horrors of living in today's world certainly makes the question pertinent.

Are all the good that men do expalainable with the mysterious phenomenon called conscience. And all the evil, due to lack thereof?

Indeed, is the so called conscience human or superhuman, maybe belonging to the next stage of evolution.

I have more to say on this but that will have to wait for a later entry.

Interesting. Interesting.

2008-06-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

What do you want with me?
How have I annoyed you?
What changed ?
Not the sky, not the earth.
Not a blade of grass.
All that changed are some chemicals
In some individuals.

2008-06-03T01:30:00.001-07:00

Over the years I have been privileged to mess many things up, thanks to my status as a loner. Loners have this handicap - the realities of the non-virtual world fall outside our domain,

2008-05-29T00:04:00.000-07:00

Till death do us join
Share sickness and sorrow
And a withered life

2008-05-16T23:53:00.001-07:00

The aloof whiteness is no more
The flamboyant arrogance grins again
The forbidden tree beckons
I don't see any creeping things
Yet the temptation gains and the battle must go on
And on

2008-04-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

The woods, the flowers
The bizzare clouds
Aimless rivers

Nature

2008-04-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

I breathe the freshness of the world.
I see the unbelievable splendour of the skies.
The miracle of spring, the austere whiteness of winter.

And I wonder,
What does this all mean.

Surely all this grandeur cannot be for us alone.
We do our best to destroy it.
But fragility has its own strengths.
Strenghts we have yet to fathom.

May be there is hope yet.

The Clock

2008-04-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

The clock tolls.

The dread chime staggers
In its journey into everlasting silence.

Billions of senseless markings
And meaningless hands.

No one tells the truth
Not one knows the awful truth to tell.

Hidden slyly in the cavernous maw
Of the unfathomable.

How much longer to the finale

The mess

2008-04-02T11:25:00.000-07:00

Glory to thee, all powerful one.
The heavens and the earths and other universes,if any,
Are your unimaginable playground.
And the creatures thereof,
Witness to your thoughts.

Maybe it all went wrong somewhere,
And we ended up where we are now.
In a cruel, vicious world.
Where nothing seems to be right.
Where your awful powers prevail not.
Where doubt leads to violence beyond belief.

Fill my mind and my soul with the eternal fire of your glory.
Fill all our minds with your glory

And, please, clear up this mess.

The Promise

2008-03-05T09:27:00.000-08:00

The promise of eternal peace. To think that I really believed that nonsense. For one thing the source of the promise-not greatly renowned for keeping His word. Secondly, even for a loner eternity sounds dull.

With all its imperfections humans seem to be better than the great promise.

2008-02-26T10:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I go normal, or nearly normal. I know. That sounds scary, even to me. I mean, when was the last time I was normal? But right now, I feel rather all right. Some humans I know even asked me if I am all right. I guess I am.

2008-02-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

Nightmares are all right, once in a while. But a nightmare a night!
Lack of seep is beginning to tell.
I mean, it is such a thin blur between the wake and the unwake state and I am not sure I know which is which.

2008-02-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

The miracle of utter silence never ceases to baffle me. When I can find it, that is.

2008-02-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

You must have been around when the mammoths roamed freely. Youthful and joyous. What kind of birds nested on you? I have only reached up to the mammoths in my paleontology. What a weird thought, but I feel as if I was there too, although I don't remember too much about our days together.

2008-02-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

I have a feeling, I am now in the eye of the storm of self pity, depression, loneliness, whatever. I can write a few lines, now and then. This is amazing considereint that I couldn't blog for my life just a couple of weeks ago.

Now all I have to do is wait for the other half of the storm to strike.

2008-02-06T10:11:00.000-08:00

There is something to this stuff they call life after death. I mean, it is like asking what is Truth.

2008-02-02T22:59:00.000-08:00

The warmth of everlasting sleep claimed his soul. The silence is total. He was grateful, for at last there was a glimpse of company. The dark and silent reaper is a great companion. Passionless. Not a footstep, not a breath.

2008-02-01T09:39:00.000-08:00

Been a long time since I blogged. The routine of total ennui has now become part of my life. I am swallowed by a feeling of complete numbness. I supose that is natural, given my nature. However this time the apathy has lasted quite long.

I have so much to write about. And so little energy to write. But I think now it is about time I forced myself to climb out of this quicksand I am sinking in. Has anyone ever done that?

Anyway, I am drained now. Finis, for now.

2008-01-10T10:13:00.000-08:00

Glory to all. I think I am finally going absolute nuts. All right I do not deny that I was probaby born that way. Whatever.

2008-01-01T19:48:00.000-08:00

Another New Year. Another step closer to the end. Unto dust return.

2007-12-13T12:09:00.000-08:00

It is not normal to be lonely during this time of the year. So I am told. Maybe there is something in that.

2007-12-10T18:44:00.000-08:00

Word verification seems to be working. Spammers on blogdom! Wow.

2007-11-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting anything here for quite some time. I got some bot (I think it is a bot- with some weird names) posting odd comments on this blog. I thought spam was something for email. Now I know better, the hard way!!
So I have added word verification to the comments section. I hope it works

2007-10-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

What do you know!! Today was a day of coincidences.

The person I mentioned in the last post called. No, not to thank me, but to say the document has been recieved. Well, well. Sure

And then I met that person of God whom I had mentioned two posts earlier. And this time, there were no questions!! Ok, so that is it.

So I am now back to my lonely ways, Past feelings and emotions. No room here for any of that stuff.

I suspect I am getting a little personal. So no more of this grumblings!!

2007-10-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

How can a loner ever have a friend ! That is a contradiction in terms, and a contardiction in real life. The story line is simple. I spent about a month running from place to place and person to person and finally got something very important done for a person I thought was my "friend". (Contradiction, Contradiction). Once the hard part of the work was over and the required documentation ready, what do you know, not even a thank you!!

Yeah, I know, I shouldn't complain. Well, I am complaining, actually, in case you didn't notice. I know I have no business doing that. But I feel hurt real bad. And I haven't felt this bad in a long time.

Being a loner is much less painful.

2007-09-25T08:42:00.001-07:00

The questions keep coming and I flounder for answers. The question this time is a little weird.

A person of god asked me how I am doing. I said, well, you know, not too god, not too bad, if you get what I mean. And the next question came immediately, more in the nature of a statement, than a question actually. It went something like this, a person who believes in God should have no such doubts. My answer surprised even me(and few things surprise me these days!): I said, what is more important-whether I believe in God or whether God believes in me.

Good question, huh. I baffled myself. I have been wondering about its meaning for about three days now. What on earth did I mean by that. What made me say that, anyway. I mean I don't really care either way. And yet the question haunts me.

After three days of desultory thought I have concluded that the key word in that question is neither God, nor I, but the word "believe".

Put another way, what is belief? Somethig that cannot be proved, and yet you feel is more likely to be true than false? Rather like the Reimann Hypothesis or the stuff on Twin Primes. And yet the question seems more profound than that.

I really have to burn my grey cells over this one. What is belief.

2007-08-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

I got that same old question again! How can anyone be lonely in the midst of all the people on earth. I guess it is not possible to explain that to a person who is not part of the "loner" crowd.

On second thoughts it is difficult to understand. How indeed can anyone be lonely. How do you explain the loneliness of the soul. The utter despair of these times. You don't get to choose the timeline of your habitation of the earth.

I know, this sounds silly. What I just wrote. I will blog the details later.

The lost souls of the lake

2007-08-09T06:29:00.000-07:00

The bizarre silence of the water stuns me. It is so cool. So warm. So poignant. And so murderous. I can almost see all the lost souls screaming in eternal silence in your womb. And those screams stir the depths of my soul.
May be I am part of that crowd.
True, I stand on the bank, outside the water. But that is just an accident.
I haunt you the way you haunt me. It is only fair that I should do so. After all, why should you punish me so with all this silent uproar? This never ending pain.

2007-08-07T04:47:00.000-07:00

A blog a day keeps the tablets away. But there is a problem. Unlike apples, blogging is not easy. Not unless you want to write just anything, that is. I need to get into the habit of blogging every day. But how ! Take a deep breath and blog, uh, Red Queen.

The River

2007-08-02T11:18:00.001-07:00

The silence of the muddy water stirred memories lost long ago. How many lives have you taken?

The Big and the Small.

2007-07-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

He spent much time wondering just how big Big is. After years of contemplation on this topic he concluded Big is too big for him to think meaningfully about anymore. So instead he asked himself how small is Small. He reasoned that like temperature there has to be some kind of lower limit to how small something can get, even if there is no upper limit on Big. He looked deeper and deeper into the meaning of small and realized he had no idea about that either. He spent a good deal of time reading what the masters had written on Big and Small. Then he realized, they had no idea either.

So now his problem became different. If one cannot comprehend either the very Big or the very Small, then what can one comprehend, except that which is hopelessly sundry, hopelessly commonplace and mundane. Such as life. Or death. Or happiness and sorrow. Or even loneliness. Does happiness have a structure? Or sorrow for that matter.

Sure, they are chemical transmissions in the brain of humans and may be some animals. We all know that. Big deal, huh !!

2007-07-23T05:17:00.000-07:00

The dreams keep on coming. I wish I could shut them out. Unlike Plato I don't think I have any confusion about what is reality and what is a dream. I know that life is a dream, a bad dream. Maybe I should be trying to shut reality out! Not the dreams.

By the way, does Infinity have magnitude.

2007-07-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

Is theology a contardiction in terms ? Is it possible for a mere mortal to study God. I wonder, like so many before me, how any one can be arrogant enough to think that God, if it exists, can be comprehended by man. I woud have thought that by definition God is incomprehensible. So any study in that direction is futile and bound to fail.

2007-06-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

Those who believe God, the guy with the capital G, exists could say that He, again with a capital H, bountifully compensates whatever He chose not to give in His infinite wisdom. Ours not to question why he chose not to give or to compensate. It is His pleasure. If a mere mortal could comprehend the working of the infinite it would cease to be infinite, being bounded by our own knowledge. So I just let myself be amazed by the gifts as well as the warnings from a source I can never hope to understand.

Maybe it is His subtle if painful way of revealing His presence.

Silence of Life

2007-05-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

I remember you again, this day.
Like I do almost everyday.
The secret joys and the everlasting sorrows
I remember you with a pain so profound
Words make no sense.

The silence of life
Like the calm lake
Hiding all the horrible secrets
In her bosom

I sit beside the calm water
Dark and ominously silent
Yearning.

You cannot come.
And yet
I have not the heart to call this
Final.

2007-05-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

Constant noises populate the utter silence of my life. No, not the life you would encounter in case you met me. The deeper, inner life that every person has to deal with alone. I sometimes wonder how I communicate at all with all the people, given that I have so little in common with them.

No, I do not forget those who have added kind comments on my blog. That shows, maybe humankind has some kind of future. (Whatever that means!). Not because some people have nice words for a loner. But because such people exist at all. Maybe they belong to the next stage of evolution. Some kind of super human beings with the topology of ordinary mortals.

2007-04-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

Looks like it is going to last for some time. This silence.

2007-04-04T07:36:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again with a very brief post. I do not quite feel upto the task of blogging an entire page.

2007-03-21T05:08:00.000-07:00

The odd thing about depression is that you cannot speak,write or even blog when you are depressed real bad.
See you all later.

Death, be proud

2007-03-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

Death can be so peaceful, or so gruesome.
I thought I could tell when it is peaceful and when it is gruesome.
Now I know I was wrong.

The lady pulled out her tracheostomy tube right in front of me, turned blue and expired.
People were screaming,
Some staring in silent disbelief,
At death, so near.

But her face,
Pallid and blue at the same time,
A strange color you don't often see,
Her face was so peaceful.

As if she had finally done what she had always wanted to do,
As if she was done with all the nonsense that was being done to her body
And she seemed to be smiling in her death with her eyes open.

And I am sitting here, confused beyond words.
And an image that refuses to go away.

2007-03-03T03:03:00.000-08:00

Happiness is different when it catches you right in the pit of despair. Even the small crumbs are like manna. How does you express what you feel. Thank you? So trite. Come on you can do better.

The Night of the Lonely

2007-03-01T09:20:00.000-08:00

Still , silent and stubborn,
The darkness relentless,
Grips my soul, in clammy glee.

The Stark white snow is slowly melting away
The wavelets are back,
No longer scared frozen.

All my kin are here
Each in its own silent domain
Each wondering in eternal silence

As we of the dark always do,
What the others are upto.
That is the way of life in the land of the lonely

Lonely and unwanted,
Mostly fondling dreams,
Everlasting dreams.

2007-02-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

The snow is back again with a vengeance and its fascinating duality. The pallid scene stretches as far as eye can see. Frozen water and the frozen wavelets. Like time standing still in white wonder.

But of course the good things are just roud the corner.

Silence

2007-01-10T10:13:00.000-08:00

I could feel the cold embrace. The silence of the utter darkness. I was helpless. And yet I did not want to be free. The zero G sinking has a fatal charm.

Hope and Loneliness

2007-01-07T09:55:00.000-08:00

A comment to the previous post on this blog asks a good question. Can loners' hope? It isn't phrased quite like that. But I suppose that is what it meant.

That made me think, you know. Like I did when I realized I am a loner. Maybe it is all about neurochemistry. But the fact remains that loners are a group apart.

Some are born loners, some become loners, others have lonerhood thrust upon them (Now, who said that first !). I belong to the first category. Born loner. I cannot remember any time in my life when I felt part of the human tribe. I don't mean I do not aprreciate humans. In fact I like them. My problems is that I cannot feel part of the crowd. Sore thumb kind of situation. For my kind of loners hope has no place. There never was any in the first place.

For the other two kinds, I suppose hope is a reasonable remedy. It could keep you going. So go right ahead and hope. After all things cannot get any worse can they!