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Wednesday, August 09, 2017

It has been a very long time since I posted anything. This is not because nothing happened in between. Actually quite a lot happened. In fact such a lot that I couldn't bring myself, maybe I should say push myself, to blog it.

Maybe sometime later I will.

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

The Lost Sheep

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a shepherd.
And he had one hundred excellent sheep.
One of the sheep though good and obedient
Was deaf and blind.

Whenever the shepherd took his sheep out to graze
The poor blind sheep would get lost
And the kind shepherd would pet him
And tell him it's all right.

This went on day after day after day
And the shepherd finally lost his temper
And cursed the sheep
Which was blind and Deaf

The curse was that from now on
You, miserable creature,
From now on
You are on your own.

And little blind sheep was sad
He couldn't hear the words
He couldn't see his Master
But he could feel the anger in the air.

And the anger made him sad
He thought it must be his fault.
Being deaf and blind
And forever wandering off from the flock.

And the shepherd was happy
With his nine and ninety sheep
That were perfect in eye and ear
And never gave him much bother.

Next day when they went to graze
The master never bothered about the poor sheep.
The blind little sheep walked and walked and walked.
Far from the herd, towards the lair of the wolves.

That was the last anybody heard of him
That was the last anybody saw him
That was the last the little blind sheep
Ever bothered anyone.

Monday, May 27, 2013


I struggle to find the meaning of life.
And then I realize there are people all around me who have already succumbed to that struggle.
For death is the reality.
The eternal companion.
Call him what you will,
He is constant
He is consistent.
He is Death.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


I dream strange dreams.
The first dream is of a car, in which I am seated,  flying off a very high bridge. The car is black.  Everything around me is drowning in darkness. There is no sound, not  a whisper, not even the sound of the car which is now spinning towards the earth carrying me to inescapable death. Even I am silent, waiting for the embrace of eternal rest. I see vague forms materialize beneath the car in the never ending free fall, monstrous entities beckoning me into their jaws. All the fearsome creatures I had ever imagined and some that even my imagination has never conjured up, slithered up and danced around the car, silently laughing their mocking laughter. The fall never ends. The fierce maws and fetid smells drown me, draw me into a horrible world of everlasting pain. I try to scream, but thick silence is all that escapes my parched throat.At this point I wake up, sweating and almost shivering.

The second dream is of a knee into which my body seems to have shrunk. I am sure the rest of my body exists, but the left knee dwarfs me into a silent dark un-form.I suspect I am tied down. I am immobile. I am trying very hard to move, but not even the knee stirs. A dark, silent, transparent form is breaking my knee with a mallet, a gigantic mallet that descends on my left knee, relentlessly and in utter silence. The pain is beyond belief, beyond comprehension. The rhythm of the mallet is violent, vicious and silent. I am silent too, although I am screaming with pain. The dark form wielding the mallet, which seems to be made of some kind of wood, is utterly silent. The touch of the mallet is like an unbearable kiss of  utter pain. I wake up at this point and I see that I am sitting up in bed, pushing my knee into the bed. And of course sweat pours like rain.

One of my visitors was a psychiatrist. He said this is called post traumatic stress disorder and that this can become quite debilitating. He said he will help me get through the stress, if it becomes unbearably difficult. I told him I will get in touch. I haven't done that though.

I feel I should fight my fears myself. But what am I scared of. Death? No, not death itself, but the dazzling uncertainty of what lies after death does disturb me sometimes. Pain? Sure. Pain is bad. I don't like pain in the body. I hate even injections. And here is my knee being smithereened ( I know there is no such word,).

I fear that I might need to visit the shrink, because the dreams refuse to go away and I cannot sleep.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Today I wanted to talk to you very badly.But I was too late with the call. Your voice lessens the hurt, Angel.
The physical pain is ok.I can take that. But you fill a void deep inside me that not even God can. And like God you are way beyond attainment. All the same a few quiet words from you and even your silence calms me like the whisper of eternity.
Maybe this is how God was invented.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Meeting

We meet after a decade.
And you are the same,
Like the earth and the sky,
The moon and the stars.

I dissolve in you.,
As in nature
Of which you are the author.
And the mother.

My Love and Life
Anger and reprimand
Suits you
As it suits any mother

For I am your son
And you my mother
I adore you
I love you
I live and breathe in You.

You define life and existence
You define meaning
You define Eternity
You cannot cease to exist
For that would end God himself.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I have been meeting with people who have more reason to feel lonely than I. But their loneliness seems to be the loneliness of the body and sometimes of the mind. It is hard to explain the loneliness of the spirit. Because the spirit is beyond verification. It is even more difficult to understand why the spirit should feel lonely. I mean, it is not confined. It is totally free. But the spirit detached from the One is lonely. Who is that One? I am not speaking about the one in matrix. Although Matrix does come rather close to illustrating some profound truths.

Monday, November 21, 2011

I haven't blogged for quite some time now.
It is not because I haven't found any cause for not blogging. Maybe the cause found me-if you don't mind that much profundity in an opening statement. Loner's status does not terminate abruptly. In spite of Prozac or whatever. The real nuts out there know what I am talking about.
The days these days are more dreary, less worthy of anything whatsoever, much less blogging. And words fail me. I am not quite in the WS (of Avon).class. Of course that is ego. maybe a small one, but ego nonetheless.
By my standards. So what should I do? Angry Birds? Don't make me laugh and hit you at the same time. If you are not reachable, I don't want to hit myself. I don't want to hurt myself, you see. Not when I am in the wrong phase.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

It rained and rained all day. The rivers swelled, the rivulets roared merrily. The patter of rain drops on the water which covered the earth was like the laughter of a demon.

Friday, December 17, 2010

I write this after a long while. The torment of meaningless existence increases day by day. I do not know what to do.

Monday, December 06, 2010

I am getting those "jitters" again. Not really palpitation, not really anything at all. Just feeling sort of lonely.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

I am not really getting worried/worked-up/whatever. But somebody asked me recenty if I have Parkinson's. What do you know !! Maybe that was the problem all along. If so this blog should get interesting as the days merge into years and I into eternity.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I am not sure I want to write anything here. Dark Angel, you win. You have taken too much from me, my friend.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


Death, my companion,
Reclaim what belongs to you.
I am ready.

Monday, March 01, 2010

I tried to be better than myself and what do you know, here I am, all messed up.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

It is so easy to forget that a loner's life is just that. Lonely to the point of loneliness. And what is more, that is ust the kind of life every one likes to screw up some more. Even the mother.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

My eternal companion.
Devour me.
Drown me in your fathomless love

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I am confused. So what is new ! But I mean, this is serious. like in Serious. You see, I lost track of who I am. As in dementia, you would say. Maybe. I am in no mood to argue such a minor issue.

It is ike I am really near the end.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

For a few days I thought I was in heaven. Now I am back to earth with a whimper. And the choice was mine ! That doesn't make it any better.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Loner !!!!
You have been punished with this life.
It's time you grew up.
This isn't half the punishment you deserve.
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