A loner's Ravings

What do you do with a life that is truly worthless. All you do with your body is consume precious resources. I don’t feel any kind of attachment to anything or anybody. All I do is eat and excrete. Surely life must mean something more. There is no God. Only the darkness of death and a bit of ash or a worm eaten body that was you. I have been searching for something to hold on to. But found just a void.

It has been a very long time since I posted anything. This is not because nothing happened in between. Actually quite a lot happened. In fact such a lot that I couldn't bring myself, maybe I should say push myself, to blog it. Maybe sometime later I will.

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a shepherd. And he had one hundred excellent sheep. One of the sheep though good and obedient Was deaf and blind. Whenever the shepherd took his sheep out to graze The poor blind sheep would get lost And the kind shepherd would pet him And tell him it's all right. This went on day after day after day And the shepherd finally lost his temper And cursed the sheep Which was blind and Deaf The curse was that from now on You, miserable creature, From now on You are on your own. And little blind sheep was sad He couldn't hear the words He couldn't see his Master But he could feel the anger in the air. And the anger made him sad He thought it must be his fault. Being deaf and blind And forever wandering off from the flock. And the shepherd was happy With his nine and ninety sheep That were perfect in eye and ear And never gave him much bother. Next day when they went to graze The master never bothered abou...

I struggle to find the meaning of life. And then I realize there are people all around me who have already succumbed to that struggle. For death is the reality. The eternal companion. Call him what you will, He is constant He is consistent. He is Death.

I dream strange dreams. The first dream is of a car, in which I am seated,  flying off a very high bridge. The car is black.  Everything around me is drowning in darkness. There is no sound, not  a whisper, not even the sound of the car which is now spinning towards the earth carrying me to inescapable death. Even I am silent, waiting for the embrace of eternal rest. I see vague forms materialize beneath the car in the never ending free fall, monstrous entities beckoning me into their jaws. All the fearsome creatures I had ever imagined and some that even my imagination has never conjured up, slithered up and danced around the car, silently laughing their mocking laughter. The fall never ends. The fierce maws and fetid smells drown me, draw me into a horrible world of everlasting pain. I try to scream, but thick silence is all that escapes my parched throat.At this point I wake up, sweating and almost shivering. The second dream is of a knee into which m...

Today I wanted to talk to you very badly.But I was too late with the call. Your voice lessens the hurt, Angel. The physical pain is ok.I can take that. But you fill a void deep inside me that not even God can. And like God you are way beyond attainment. All the same a few quiet words from you and even your silence calms me like the whisper of eternity. Maybe this is how God was invented.

We meet after a decade. And you are the same, Like the earth and the sky, The moon and the stars. I dissolve in you., As in nature Of which you are the author. And the mother. My Love and Life Anger and reprimand Suits you As it suits any mother For I am your son And you my mother I adore you I love you I live and breathe in You. You define life and existence You define meaning You define Eternity You cannot cease to exist For that would end God himself.

I have been meeting with people who have more reason to feel lonely than I. But their loneliness seems to be the loneliness of the body and sometimes of the mind. It is hard to explain the loneliness of the spirit. Because the spirit is beyond verification. It is even more difficult to understand why the spirit should feel lonely. I mean, it is not confined. It is totally free. But the spirit detached from the One is lonely. Who is that One? I am not speaking about the one in matrix. Although Matrix does come rather close to illustrating some profound truths.

I haven't blogged for quite some time now. It is not because I haven't found any cause for not blogging. Maybe the cause found me-if you don't mind that much profundity in an opening statement. Loner's status does not terminate abruptly. In spite of Prozac or whatever. The real nuts out there know what I am talking about. The days these days are more dreary, less worthy of anything whatsoever, much less blogging. And words fail me. I am not quite in the WS (of Avon).class. Of course that is ego. maybe a small one, but ego nonetheless. By my standards. So what should I do? Angry Birds? Don't make me laugh and hit you at the same time. If you are not reachable, I don't want to hit myself. I don't want to hurt myself, you see. Not when I am in the wrong phase.

It rained and rained all day. The rivers swelled, the rivulets roared merrily. The patter of rain drops on the water which covered the earth was like the laughter of a demon.

I write this after a long while. The torment of meaningless existence increases day by day. I do not know what to do.

I am getting those "jitters" again. Not really palpitation, not really anything at all. Just feeling sort of lonely.

I am not really getting worried/worked-up/whatever. But somebody asked me recenty if I have Parkinson's. What do you know !! Maybe that was the problem all along. If so this blog should get interesting as the days merge into years and I into eternity.

I am not sure I want to write anything here. Dark Angel, you win. You have taken too much from me, my friend.

Death, my companion, Reclaim what belongs to you. I am ready.

I tried to be better than myself and what do you know, here I am, all messed up.

It is so easy to forget that a loner's life is just that. Lonely to the point of loneliness. And what is more, that is ust the kind of life every one likes to screw up some more. Even the mother.

Loneliness. My eternal companion. Devour me. Drown me in your fathomless love

I am confused. So what is new ! But I mean, this is serious. like in Serious. You see, I lost track of who I am. As in dementia, you would say. Maybe. I am in no mood to argue such a minor issue. It is ike I am really near the end.

For a few days I thought I was in heaven. Now I am back to earth with a whimper. And the choice was mine ! That doesn't make it any better.