A loner's Ravings

"Mary" "Rabboni" It hits you like a hurricane.

I read that letter through again. Like I have done so many times before. It is like a voice from the past. Gentle and full of love. I can't believe anybody loved me at any time ! And yet I hold the proof right in my hand. How time has changed everything. Where have all those feelings gone ! I am so numb.

He sat by the lake, Listening to its resonant silence. The chattering rain mocked him. The wind, not less funny. But this is my place- Mock me all you like! He glimpsed the mysteries of the lake, And its profound beckoning. The gloom of the setting sun Lighting up the waves, Like the shimmer of silken pall, Means nothing. This lake,I know And this lake knows me Why are you calling me so early. It is not yet time

He was back in that old place, where memories were on riot. Nostalgia doesn't half describe what he felt. It was not the moon. Not the flowers. The shock of deja vu was in the ordinary things, in the vegetables and the sodden grass. The drizzle just added to the score. He realized what many before him had already known. That love is not about joy, or happiness. It is about anguish, about a glimpse of the unreachable. A vision of what the human brain can achieve, and what no neural circuit has yet managed to duplicate. Sitting on the moist rocks of the cliff, he realized he woud gladly go through the same pain, and grief. For love is a gift of god, even for athiests. A message form a power greater than humanity. And he said to himself. I miss you. I miss you like the air I breathe. The ripple of the waves of the lake, like soft laughter, fills me with a silent loneliness nothing can ever wash away. Where are you now? What are you doing?

I forgot to add that my bulemia has come back too. What is going on!! I didn't do anyhting. It just happens, all by itself. Like some kind of natural calamity, I mean, process. I suppose some part of my brain isn't quite what it should be.

My insomnia is back with a vengeance. I am so tired from lack of sleep (I suppose it is lack of sleep!) I feel amost ike one of these creatures in the scary movies. You know, the ones who have forgotten what peace sleep bings. Maybe I will post more regularly, once I get over this phase.

It has been a long time since I posted anything. Not only here. Silence of sudden onset. Well. I haven't been all that bad lately. At the same time it wouldn't be quite honest to say that I have been absolutely all right. Last time I was here, I was a bit worried about my lack of belief if anything. Lost faith long ago. That is another thing you can only lose once. I don't know. Maybe a dose of faith in anything would help.