A loner's Ravings

See the leaves turn yellow and brown, See the trees turn wild with colors, See the forest and the mountains go crazy Like a Van Gogh Listen to the streams and the rivers, And the sombre silence of the lake, Listen to the birds and the sky, And the wonder of it all. It is fall. I love fall More than I love spring And I dont know whom to thank That I can see and listen And be part of this miracle. Soon it will be winter And the snow will be all over. But the memories will remain For ever, Even when I am myself A part of this .

What is it about your face That drives me crazy? What is it about your voice That leaves me nearly paralyzed? What are you, anyway, That you have such power over me? I keep telling myself I am imagining you That you cannot possibly exist. Yet I know you are there. And I wouldn't have it anyother way. So, want to tell me About your power.

There was this old lady Near my place. I say "Good Morning" And she answers "I will tell you Good morning When morning really comes" She tells me her nephew will be visting today. But he doesn't come. Ever. And she says quietly, "It is so peaceful When you dont have any one to wait for". Her words demand silence. She is well over ninety, Everyone says she is demented Waiting for her kin who never come. And never complaining she is lonely. She is still so very pretty I tell her she must have been ravishing in her youth. She smiles. She looks happy. And then, Before the nephew could come With the cherries Or was it cherry blossoms For her, She left.

I have got that *%$#@ insomnia again. I cannot shut my eyes. I cannot sleep. And I refuse to take any medicines for that. let the shrink go to h**l. When i get these bouts of insomnia I tend to get rather violent. Then depressed. So what in the name of all that is wierd is this? Is this MDP?

The best thing that can happen to me now is death. That is the most difficult thing too. I guess I am doomed to live with this guilt and depression for ever. Forever is such a long time. I don't know that I can survive forever!! What possible good can life hold in store for me now. What possible good can I ever hope for. I have never been good myself. Crime and Punishment. Who said that, huh? I can feel the tendrils of depression creep into my soul. And constrict my being. I cannot bear this much longer.

I am such a screwy lover I make her hate me just by opening my mouth I dont have to say a word But when i do say a word Depend upon it The fight lasts days

What the hell is going on. I think I am going nuts. may be I shouldn't have stopped the medications !! HHow do you control violence? And I am not sure you can blame all this on just depression, whatever the shrink might say.

Today was real bad even by my standards. We had a fight so bad we are practically in hell now. I said something. I know that. It is just that I have no idea what i said. Sarcasm doesn't go down well with some people. Odd thing , this tongue.

I have this gift. I can blow any relationship to pieces. Just like that. I have no idea how I manage to do that, but I think I might have blown this one too. Let the yearning stay. Nobody could care less !! I don't know what I did wrong. I guess I must have done something wrong. Oh, all right, you can go your way. I do't think I care all that much anyway .

The old insomnia is back again. You see I tried stopping the medicines. I guess I am stuck with those pills for life. Anyway I think I will try not to take any right now. Let me see how long I am going to stay awake.

What is love? I don't need it. But the yearning Refuses to go away.

It is almost a week since I wrote anything here. Are you wondering why? Guess. May be it is the medicines? Just when I thought I had it all figured out, everything goes out of gear again. What a life !! I dont think the shrinks know anyhting about it. They are just taking you along for a ride. At your expense. Fever doesn't improve life any. Neither does cold. I may not be very prolific, but I sure am ponderous , dont you agree !!

It has been sometime since I wrote anyhting here. Not deliberate you know. I wasn't feeling bad enough to write about. But today is different. I have got a nasty cold and fever. The weather looks stupid. And I cannot reach her. That isn't new. And it isn't news. But this is the kind of day I feel I have to write something.

I am feeling much better. May the medications are working. But I am tired, and not upto much. That must be the medication too!!

Today is rather Ok. I am feeling better. Not on the top[p of the world, But ok. Must be the medicine

Rainy, cloudy, gloomy day. I feel reasonably ok. Endogenous depression! What a word! All it means is the shrink doesn't know what causes it. And the violence, manic phase of bipolar disease. They are good at inventing words, these psychiatrists!! None of the above words mean a thing. Just look them upp in any dictionary, i case you dont believe me

I am human too. Sometimes I get hurt too. How come no one ever realizes that. And Hey! I have a problem with drinks. Alcohol. I am told I drink too much. My be I do. And then I go violent and pick fights with people I don't even know. But I drink only when I am feeling that hurt. You know, like something is eating your insides. And you cannot get it out. So you go try drink it out. Liver is as good a road as any other, to go to your maker, whoever he is. Never met him yet. I guess I will eventually, like those golden girls and chimmney sweeps. And then I have a few questions to ask. Life sucks, dude. And there ain't nothing you can do about it. So just shut the heck up and get on with it. Or end it. What are you wailing for anyway? None of the other seven billion idiots out there care, you moron. It's your life and your problem.

This is rubbish. That is why you find ads for depression here. As if I am depressed. Of course I am not depressed. I have a problem telling people what I feel. That is not depression. That is courtesy. So get off my chest. Leave me alone.

What is going on. Why the heck am I so desparate? Especially when I don't even know what makes me so.

You wake up and the stupid sun is up there. Everyday. Why doesnt it end, one way or the other. Who cares if it is a white dwarf or a red giant. Just shut that off. Many of us have had enough of you.

It is raining and cold today. Not that sunshine and birds ongs would have made it any better. All the same the patter of rain on the roof can get annoying. Especially at night. I wonder if it would ever be possible to tell wht it means to be a loner. How strange the world appears.

You know what i did today. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So I feel somewhat ok. What beats me is how anyone can do anyhting at all. It isn't human.

Back to my wanderings. What do you do when you are lonely all the time? Or feel lonely all the time even when there are people all around you? What about when all the other guys appear like they are from mars? May be it I who am not from here.

Ok, this won't interest you too much. It is personal. Very personal. So don't go blaming me after you have wasted your time reading it. I may not even update it regularly. Only when I am feeling particularly under. Given that, i should tell ya why i chose loner2 instead of loner. That nick,loner, my favourite, has been taken. So there. But then i am a loner-too. So loner2 makes some kind of silly sense. Right? I am sure there are many loners out there. Now I officially join their ranks.