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I haven't posted a word in nearly two months. That is a billion years in blogdom. But these last couple of months have been really bad for me. Actually the last seven months. I didn't know I had it me to hold out so long when faced with such a fierce moral disquiet. It is all right to talk about being a loner, but this stupid world is real and the agonies of existence are all to real.
I am no longer what I used to be. The old loner is no more. The external world which I inhabit appears the same. The trees, the weather, the skies and the stars are all the same. But something disappeared form the world and from my soul.
Now I realize the true meaning of loneliness. I am beginning to understand why He prayed alone and why He wept.
I! Even the word I irritates me now. It reminds me of this useless body. I have started looking forward to the day when whatever is locked up inside this body is finally liberated, be the destination what it may. I cannot care less.
Heaven. Hell. Sin. Come on!! What can be worse than this world. Or my life.

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Maybe loneliness implies detachment. This is not what an old comment on this blog says. It says loners are basically asocial beings with some hidden grudge in thier minds. I don't think so. May be there are loners of that version out there. But detachment is the phrase that has been on my mind for some days now. The true meaning of detachment is way beyond me. Embracing emotions, experiences. I don't know. May there is something in that.
First I learned there are other loners out there. Then I learned there are people out there who care. People who actually seem to be concerned about you. And all the time I had assumed a sort of worthlessness which now seems to be, well, rather disproportionate. Sure, I knew there are nice people in this world. I never knew there were great people. Ok, I am not talking about GREAT people, you know. I am talking about the ordinary people with the spark of greatness in them. What can be greater than caring about a fellow human being whom you don't even know.
What is normal? I am not normal. Every one says so. I know it myself. What I don't know is, what is normal anyway. Everything is the same. For me. For them. But then how come I am the one who is not normal ! Beats me.