A loner's Ravings

The odd thing about depression is that you cannot speak,write or even blog when you are depressed real bad. See you all later.

Death can be so peaceful, or so gruesome. I thought I could tell when it is peaceful and when it is gruesome. Now I know I was wrong. The lady pulled out her tracheostomy tube right in front of me, turned blue and expired. People were screaming, Some staring in silent disbelief, At death, so near. But her face, Pallid and blue at the same time, A strange color you don't often see, Her face was so peaceful. As if she had finally done what she had always wanted to do, As if she was done with all the nonsense that was being done to her body And she seemed to be smiling in her death with her eyes open. And I am sitting here, confused beyond words. And an image that refuses to go away.

Happiness is different when it catches you right in the pit of despair. Even the small crumbs are like manna. How does you express what you feel. Thank you? So trite. Come on you can do better.

Still , silent and stubborn, The darkness relentless, Grips my soul, in clammy glee. The Stark white snow is slowly melting away The wavelets are back, No longer scared frozen. All my kin are here Each in its own silent domain Each wondering in eternal silence As we of the dark always do, What the others are upto. That is the way of life in the land of the lonely Lonely and unwanted, Mostly fondling dreams, Everlasting dreams.

The snow is back again with a vengeance and its fascinating duality. The pallid scene stretches as far as eye can see. Frozen water and the frozen wavelets. Like time standing still in white wonder. But of course the good things are just roud the corner.

I could feel the cold embrace. The silence of the utter darkness. I was helpless. And yet I did not want to be free. The zero G sinking has a fatal charm.

A comment to the previous post on this blog asks a good question. Can loners' hope? It isn't phrased quite like that. But I suppose that is what it meant. That made me think, you know. Like I did when I realized I am a loner. Maybe it is all about neurochemistry. But the fact remains that loners are a group apart. Some are born loners, some become loners, others have lonerhood thrust upon them (Now, who said that first !). I belong to the first category. Born loner. I cannot remember any time in my life when I felt part of the human tribe. I don't mean I do not aprreciate humans. In fact I like them. My problems is that I cannot feel part of the crowd. Sore thumb kind of situation. For my kind of loners hope has no place. There never was any in the first place. For the other two kinds, I suppose hope is a reasonable remedy. It could keep you going. So go right ahead and hope. After all things cannot get any worse can they!