A loner's Ravings

"Whenever I feel lonely, I curse you from the bottom of my heart. If you feel guilty at least once before you die, I will praise the God". The you in the above refers to this loner

I haven't posted a word in nearly two months. That is a billion years in blogdom. But these last couple of months have been really bad for me. Actually the last seven months. I didn't know I had it me to hold out so long when faced with such a fierce moral disquiet. It is all right to talk about being a loner, but this stupid world is real and the agonies of existence are all to real. I am no longer what I used to be. The old loner is no more. The external world which I inhabit appears the same. The trees, the weather, the skies and the stars are all the same. But something disappeared form the world and from my soul. Now I realize the true meaning of loneliness. I am beginning to understand why He prayed alone and why He wept. I! Even the word I irritates me now. It reminds me of this useless body. I have started looking forward to the day when whatever is locked up inside this body is finally liberated, be the destination what it may. I cannot care less. Heaven. Hell. Sin. C...

"And when He had sent the multitudes away,He went up on a mountain by Himself to pray. Now when evening came, He was alone there" (Mat 14:23). How could anyone express the anguish of a loner better than this! What went through his mind during this time, when the evening found Him alone? When he prayed later, that the cup may, if such be HIS will, pass from him. Total, unspeakable loneliness. All prayer is in utter loneliness even when you pray in the " street corner".

I am geting confused. If the saviour died taking upon himself all the sins of mankind, am I still a sinner? Or where my sins taken care of 2000 years ago?

How quickly life changes. She said. She had reason to say that. Six months ago, when I had seen her last, she was as pretty as ever. Now cancer has eaten its way into her brain. Chemotherapy has devastated her body. Only the old fighting spirit remains. And the humor.

The dark clouds loom yet again. The wind screams vengefully. I sit, as usual, watching the waves roll and play and inviting me to join. To become part of its substance. Not yet, my friend. Not yet. My time will come, to join you. And we shall play together

He said "The woman I am married to told me she is waiting for me to die, That she prays everyday I go to work that I would die in some car crash or somethng. That she dislikes worms" Now, That is one good, affectionate family ! So why on earth are you two staying together Fraying each others nerves And shredding each others and the kids lives !! Some things are best when they are over and done with forever.

She has passed away From the world Of mythical reality To the really mythical The heart stopping smile The laughter The jokes which hid A great, gnawing sorrow I shall remember Unto my own private death And then For all eternity Rest in peace, dearest

Today discussion revolved around conscience. What exactly is it? Does it exist? If it does, is it a logical entity. Or merely a figment of human despair, trying to cling to such absurdities to explain the unexplainable. The horrors of living in today's world certainly makes the question pertinent. Are all the good that men do expalainable with the mysterious phenomenon called conscience. And all the evil, due to lack thereof? Indeed, is the so called conscience human or superhuman, maybe belonging to the next stage of evolution. I have more to say on this but that will have to wait for a later entry. Interesting. Interesting.

What do you want with me? How have I annoyed you? What changed ? Not the sky, not the earth. Not a blade of grass. All that changed are some chemicals In some individuals.

Over the years I have been privileged to mess many things up, thanks to my status as a loner. Loners have this handicap - the realities of the non-virtual world fall outside our domain,

Till death do us join Share sickness and sorrow And a withered life

The aloof whiteness is no more The flamboyant arrogance grins again The forbidden tree beckons I don't see any creeping things Yet the temptation gains and the battle must go on And on

The woods, the flowers The bizzare clouds Aimless rivers

I breathe the freshness of the world. I see the unbelievable splendour of the skies. The miracle of spring, the austere whiteness of winter. And I wonder, What does this all mean. Surely all this grandeur cannot be for us alone. We do our best to destroy it. But fragility has its own strengths. Strenghts we have yet to fathom. May be there is hope yet.

The clock tolls. The dread chime staggers In its journey into everlasting silence. Billions of senseless markings And meaningless hands. No one tells the truth Not one knows the awful truth to tell. Hidden slyly in the cavernous maw Of the unfathomable. How much longer to the finale

Glory to thee, all powerful one. The heavens and the earths and other universes,if any, Are your unimaginable playground. And the creatures thereof, Witness to your thoughts. Maybe it all went wrong somewhere, And we ended up where we are now. In a cruel, vicious world. Where nothing seems to be right. Where your awful powers prevail not. Where doubt leads to violence beyond belief. Fill my mind and my soul with the eternal fire of your glory. Fill all our minds with your glory And, please, clear up this mess.

The promise of eternal peace. To think that I really believed that nonsense. For one thing the source of the promise-not greatly renowned for keeping His word. Secondly, even for a loner eternity sounds dull. With all its imperfections humans seem to be better than the great promise.

Sometimes I go normal, or nearly normal. I know. That sounds scary, even to me. I mean, when was the last time I was normal? But right now, I feel rather all right. Some humans I know even asked me if I am all right. I guess I am.

Nightmares are all right, once in a while. But a nightmare a night! Lack of seep is beginning to tell. I mean, it is such a thin blur between the wake and the unwake state and I am not sure I know which is which.

The miracle of utter silence never ceases to baffle me. When I can find it, that is.

You must have been around when the mammoths roamed freely. Youthful and joyous. What kind of birds nested on you? I have only reached up to the mammoths in my paleontology. What a weird thought, but I feel as if I was there too, although I don't remember too much about our days together.

I have a feeling, I am now in the eye of the storm of self pity, depression, loneliness, whatever. I can write a few lines, now and then. This is amazing considereint that I couldn't blog for my life just a couple of weeks ago. Now all I have to do is wait for the other half of the storm to strike.

There is something to this stuff they call life after death. I mean, it is like asking what is Truth.

The warmth of everlasting sleep claimed his soul. The silence is total. He was grateful, for at last there was a glimpse of company. The dark and silent reaper is a great companion. Passionless. Not a footstep, not a breath.

Been a long time since I blogged. The routine of total ennui has now become part of my life. I am swallowed by a feeling of complete numbness. I supose that is natural, given my nature. However this time the apathy has lasted quite long. I have so much to write about. And so little energy to write. But I think now it is about time I forced myself to climb out of this quicksand I am sinking in. Has anyone ever done that? Anyway, I am drained now. Finis, for now.

Glory to all. I think I am finally going absolute nuts. All right I do not deny that I was probaby born that way. Whatever.

Another New Year. Another step closer to the end. Unto dust return.