A loner's Ravings

The tree was fine when I saw it last time. I don't quite recollect how long ago that was. I do recollect the tree was fine. Now I see it again. All shrivelled up, The glorious leaves gone, So too the pride. It looks old, Maybe feels old, wasted, useless What happened to you, old friend? What bolt of destiny struck you down. I doubt you will ever hold that head up again Against the sky, against the wind, against time. But don't you worry. We are with you. Shrunk, shrivelled, shaken down No matter. We are with you.

I guess I am in the minority here. I mean, the thing about being self absorbed. Ok. Everyone is self absorbed to some extent. One has to be. How else can life go on. But the loner is not not self absorbed in quite that way. It is a state of mind. Lack of involvement, possibly deliberate lack of involvement. And the sense of not having done the right thing, the feeling that maybe I should have gotten involved. And then the guilt. That is some state of mind all right !! Are blogs better than Prozac , Anyway I haven't heard of blog induced mania.

Loners are not really self absorbed. It is just that our tribe, the tribe of loners don't mix very well emotionally with the crowd. That is not self absoption. That is the view from the ringside. But at times the world and life gets to the loner too, with a punch in the face. In real life we wear our masks pretty well. Here in the blogworld the mask is thrown away. And the scarred souls peek out. Rainstorm1212 said it nicely. Stay too long in the dark and it consumes you. I agree. Maybe this is natures way of recalling you back to the basic reality of the world. Even if it means a broken solitude.

What a mess ! How on earth do people talk to each other. How do normals communicate. How do I manage to say the wrong thing everytime. Just screwed up once again what is most important for me. I have that gift. I can screw up just about anyhting.

Is loner same as depression. Am I depressed. I guess I am, most of the time, like most of the people I know. But I think there is more to a loner than just depression. There is a kind of hole, a hiatus in the soul., so to say. Even in the non-depressed state, even when everything is going smooth, or seems to be going smooth, the sense of loneliness never deserts you. That is a constant companaion, ever faithful. Yes I would say I am rather depressed. ALthough I have no idea why. And I would say I am a loner, apart from the depression. It is like watching the world from the stands. You know, like a movie. Things happen all around you, to people you adore and love, to strangers. Things that leave you feeling sad and helpless. Same as watching a movie. There isn't anything I can do about it.

I met him again. The dark shadow of my life. He is relentless. I must say, he has lots of patience. The funny thing is sometimes you can walk right through him. And he never seems to notice. Maybe he is just a shadow. The shadow of ancient fears. Stalking me.

It is so much more easy to mess things up than to get them right. No big deal, of course. But I just messed things some more. And I never knew it could get worse !

This has been a real bad time for me. A gigantic nosedive, so to say. I think I am slowly rising from the ruins of my mind. The darkness that surrounded me for the past few weeks is now slowly dissipating. That may not be such a good thing. Beacuse, usually this is just a prelude to worse things round the corner. I haven't seen that guy for sometime now. I suspect he engulfed me totally. Like in swallowed. What did Jonah feel like inside that whale's belly. I think I know. This time though I have been lucky. Didn't get digested.

What do you know. I have run out of stuff to write. Absolute blank! What a day. I am goinf to force myself to write, though. It won't do to stop this, the only thing that keeps me going. The knowledge that my blog loves me. Today was actually no worse than any other. Now that I sit myself down and think about it, actually I have very little to complain about. So what is the matter ! Why on earth or mars am I in such a cadaveric mood. (Couldn't think of a better word). Maybe it is all this whiteness getting to my nerves. Although I never knew I had any nerves. Or maybe I should be seeing some doc.

Been quite some time since I have been here. That numbness still remains. Pretty bad time for me. Definitely not the best of times. Searching for some meaning to all this. Any ideas?