A loner's Ravings

It is not normal to be lonely during this time of the year. So I am told. Maybe there is something in that.

Word verification seems to be working. Spammers on blogdom! Wow.

I haven't been posting anything here for quite some time. I got some bot (I think it is a bot- with some weird names) posting odd comments on this blog. I thought spam was something for email. Now I know better, the hard way!! So I have added word verification to the comments section. I hope it works

What do you know!! Today was a day of coincidences. The person I mentioned in the last post called. No, not to thank me, but to say the document has been recieved. Well, well. Sure And then I met that person of God whom I had mentioned two posts earlier. And this time, there were no questions!! Ok, so that is it. So I am now back to my lonely ways, Past feelings and emotions. No room here for any of that stuff. I suspect I am getting a little personal. So no more of this grumblings!!

How can a loner ever have a friend ! That is a contradiction in terms, and a contardiction in real life. The story line is simple. I spent about a month running from place to place and person to person and finally got something very important done for a person I thought was my "friend". (Contradiction, Contradiction). Once the hard part of the work was over and the required documentation ready, what do you know, not even a thank you!! Yeah, I know, I shouldn't complain. Well, I am complaining, actually, in case you didn't notice. I know I have no business doing that. But I feel hurt real bad. And I haven't felt this bad in a long time. Being a loner is much less painful.

The questions keep coming and I flounder for answers. The question this time is a little weird. A person of god asked me how I am doing. I said, well, you know, not too god, not too bad, if you get what I mean. And the next question came immediately, more in the nature of a statement, than a question actually. It went something like this, a person who believes in God should have no such doubts. My answer surprised even me(and few things surprise me these days!): I said, what is more important-whether I believe in God or whether God believes in me. Good question, huh. I baffled myself. I have been wondering about its meaning for about three days now. What on earth did I mean by that. What made me say that, anyway. I mean I don't really care either way. And yet the question haunts me. After three days of desultory thought I have concluded that the key word in that question is neither God, nor I, but the word "believe". Put another way, what is belief? Somethig that cannot ...

I got that same old question again! How can anyone be lonely in the midst of all the people on earth. I guess it is not possible to explain that to a person who is not part of the "loner" crowd. On second thoughts it is difficult to understand. How indeed can anyone be lonely. How do you explain the loneliness of the soul. The utter despair of these times. You don't get to choose the timeline of your habitation of the earth. I know, this sounds silly. What I just wrote. I will blog the details later.

The bizarre silence of the water stuns me. It is so cool. So warm. So poignant. And so murderous. I can almost see all the lost souls screaming in eternal silence in your womb. And those screams stir the depths of my soul. May be I am part of that crowd. True, I stand on the bank, outside the water. But that is just an accident. I haunt you the way you haunt me. It is only fair that I should do so. After all, why should you punish me so with all this silent uproar? This never ending pain.

A blog a day keeps the tablets away. But there is a problem. Unlike apples, blogging is not easy. Not unless you want to write just anything, that is. I need to get into the habit of blogging every day. But how ! Take a deep breath and blog, uh, Red Queen.

The silence of the muddy water stirred memories lost long ago. How many lives have you taken?

He spent much time wondering just how big Big is. After years of contemplation on this topic he concluded Big is too big for him to think meaningfully about anymore. So instead he asked himself how small is Small. He reasoned that like temperature there has to be some kind of lower limit to how small something can get, even if there is no upper limit on Big. He looked deeper and deeper into the meaning of small and realized he had no idea about that either. He spent a good deal of time reading what the masters had written on Big and Small. Then he realized, they had no idea either. So now his problem became different. If one cannot comprehend either the very Big or the very Small, then what can one comprehend, except that which is hopelessly sundry, hopelessly commonplace and mundane. Such as life. Or death. Or happiness and sorrow. Or even loneliness. Does happiness have a structure? Or sorrow for that matter. Sure, they are chemical transmissions in the brain of humans and may be som...

The dreams keep on coming. I wish I could shut them out. Unlike Plato I don't think I have any confusion about what is reality and what is a dream. I know that life is a dream, a bad dream. Maybe I should be trying to shut reality out! Not the dreams. By the way, does Infinity have magnitude.

Is theology a contardiction in terms ? Is it possible for a mere mortal to study God. I wonder, like so many before me, how any one can be arrogant enough to think that God, if it exists, can be comprehended by man. I woud have thought that by definition God is incomprehensible. So any study in that direction is futile and bound to fail.

Those who believe God, the guy with the capital G, exists could say that He, again with a capital H, bountifully compensates whatever He chose not to give in His infinite wisdom. Ours not to question why he chose not to give or to compensate. It is His pleasure. If a mere mortal could comprehend the working of the infinite it would cease to be infinite, being bounded by our own knowledge. So I just let myself be amazed by the gifts as well as the warnings from a source I can never hope to understand. Maybe it is His subtle if painful way of revealing His presence.

I remember you again, this day. Like I do almost everyday. The secret joys and the everlasting sorrows I remember you with a pain so profound Words make no sense. The silence of life Like the calm lake Hiding all the horrible secrets In her bosom I sit beside the calm water Dark and ominously silent Yearning. You cannot come. And yet I have not the heart to call this Final.

Constant noises populate the utter silence of my life. No, not the life you would encounter in case you met me. The deeper, inner life that every person has to deal with alone. I sometimes wonder how I communicate at all with all the people, given that I have so little in common with them. No, I do not forget those who have added kind comments on my blog. That shows, maybe humankind has some kind of future. (Whatever that means!). Not because some people have nice words for a loner. But because such people exist at all. Maybe they belong to the next stage of evolution. Some kind of super human beings with the topology of ordinary mortals.

Looks like it is going to last for some time. This silence.

Well, here I am again with a very brief post. I do not quite feel upto the task of blogging an entire page.

The odd thing about depression is that you cannot speak,write or even blog when you are depressed real bad. See you all later.

Death can be so peaceful, or so gruesome. I thought I could tell when it is peaceful and when it is gruesome. Now I know I was wrong. The lady pulled out her tracheostomy tube right in front of me, turned blue and expired. People were screaming, Some staring in silent disbelief, At death, so near. But her face, Pallid and blue at the same time, A strange color you don't often see, Her face was so peaceful. As if she had finally done what she had always wanted to do, As if she was done with all the nonsense that was being done to her body And she seemed to be smiling in her death with her eyes open. And I am sitting here, confused beyond words. And an image that refuses to go away.

Happiness is different when it catches you right in the pit of despair. Even the small crumbs are like manna. How does you express what you feel. Thank you? So trite. Come on you can do better.

Still , silent and stubborn, The darkness relentless, Grips my soul, in clammy glee. The Stark white snow is slowly melting away The wavelets are back, No longer scared frozen. All my kin are here Each in its own silent domain Each wondering in eternal silence As we of the dark always do, What the others are upto. That is the way of life in the land of the lonely Lonely and unwanted, Mostly fondling dreams, Everlasting dreams.

The snow is back again with a vengeance and its fascinating duality. The pallid scene stretches as far as eye can see. Frozen water and the frozen wavelets. Like time standing still in white wonder. But of course the good things are just roud the corner.

I could feel the cold embrace. The silence of the utter darkness. I was helpless. And yet I did not want to be free. The zero G sinking has a fatal charm.

A comment to the previous post on this blog asks a good question. Can loners' hope? It isn't phrased quite like that. But I suppose that is what it meant. That made me think, you know. Like I did when I realized I am a loner. Maybe it is all about neurochemistry. But the fact remains that loners are a group apart. Some are born loners, some become loners, others have lonerhood thrust upon them (Now, who said that first !). I belong to the first category. Born loner. I cannot remember any time in my life when I felt part of the human tribe. I don't mean I do not aprreciate humans. In fact I like them. My problems is that I cannot feel part of the crowd. Sore thumb kind of situation. For my kind of loners hope has no place. There never was any in the first place. For the other two kinds, I suppose hope is a reasonable remedy. It could keep you going. So go right ahead and hope. After all things cannot get any worse can they!