A loner's Ravings

Once a loner always a loner. I am learning that the hard way. The last month has been so stressful, I didn't think I would make it to this blog again. The fun part is, being a loner, I have not a soul on this planet I can share this with. May be they will discover life on Ganymede. (Mars is too close for my liking). Till then, my dear blog, share this cross with me. I am not sure how much longer I can take this. I am not forgetting my friends in blogdom. Rain, in particular. Thanks for all your kind words. I have been through this earlier, maybe I will make it through again. Oddly, Loners tend to be rather resilient.

I look around myself. Hey, where have they all gone? The friends, the people who could bring a smile or even a tear to my eye, Nothing remains but an ache and an eternal yearning in the soul. Age is weird. So many billions of years behind you and so many billions ahead, with an interruption of how long? half a century, one century? Things don't make any sense, same as in a meaningless charade.

The sense of death stalking you in utter silence is the most unnerving of all fears. When you realize that your fears are indeed true, the starkness of life hits you right in your soul. The meaning of a measly life. The meaning of a miserable death. Why does it have to be like this. No. This is not a protest. You don't protest with the dark and silent reaper.

Face to face with death is when your courage is tested down to the last nut and bolt. She was a brave lady. Fought cancer for three fearsome years, endured all the pain of secondaries in the bone, lungs and finally liver and brain. And the horrors of chemotherapy. She never once complained, or whined (the way I do). That lovely face with the hint of a smile even in the desolate stillness of death after a life that never had anything good for her from childhood makes me feel like a worm. She had no complaints. No grudges. No ill feelings towards the people who had hurt her so deeply. We will miss you. You have left us feeling that the world which produced a person like you cannot be all that bad. Goodbye for now. I am sure we will meet again.

I haunt my favorite location rather frequently these days. The sonorous breath of the deep water fills my soul with an ancient longing. I see myself in you, my dark, deep and silent. friend.

Pondering on the reason for one's existence is hardly the sort of thing one ought to be doing these days. But, there being nothing really worthwhile about life, about being alive, or even about feeling alive, this is just the kind of futile occupation that appeals to loner's of my sort. So here I am, by my favourite watering hole, listening to the silence of eons. Maybe I am weird, like some nice people have kindly pointed out. What they have not been able to point out though, is the reason for my weirdness or anybody elses weirdness. I guess, sitting by all by oneself, by the side of a sullen lake is weird. Fine. So I am a weird loner. Thank you very much. That is what loners are ! Anyway, I haven't posted anything at all for a long time. Even my best friends seem to have given up on me. It is tough being a loner. It is tougher being a weird loner.

"Mary" "Rabboni" It hits you like a hurricane.

I read that letter through again. Like I have done so many times before. It is like a voice from the past. Gentle and full of love. I can't believe anybody loved me at any time ! And yet I hold the proof right in my hand. How time has changed everything. Where have all those feelings gone ! I am so numb.

He sat by the lake, Listening to its resonant silence. The chattering rain mocked him. The wind, not less funny. But this is my place- Mock me all you like! He glimpsed the mysteries of the lake, And its profound beckoning. The gloom of the setting sun Lighting up the waves, Like the shimmer of silken pall, Means nothing. This lake,I know And this lake knows me Why are you calling me so early. It is not yet time

He was back in that old place, where memories were on riot. Nostalgia doesn't half describe what he felt. It was not the moon. Not the flowers. The shock of deja vu was in the ordinary things, in the vegetables and the sodden grass. The drizzle just added to the score. He realized what many before him had already known. That love is not about joy, or happiness. It is about anguish, about a glimpse of the unreachable. A vision of what the human brain can achieve, and what no neural circuit has yet managed to duplicate. Sitting on the moist rocks of the cliff, he realized he woud gladly go through the same pain, and grief. For love is a gift of god, even for athiests. A message form a power greater than humanity. And he said to himself. I miss you. I miss you like the air I breathe. The ripple of the waves of the lake, like soft laughter, fills me with a silent loneliness nothing can ever wash away. Where are you now? What are you doing?

I forgot to add that my bulemia has come back too. What is going on!! I didn't do anyhting. It just happens, all by itself. Like some kind of natural calamity, I mean, process. I suppose some part of my brain isn't quite what it should be.

My insomnia is back with a vengeance. I am so tired from lack of sleep (I suppose it is lack of sleep!) I feel amost ike one of these creatures in the scary movies. You know, the ones who have forgotten what peace sleep bings. Maybe I will post more regularly, once I get over this phase.

It has been a long time since I posted anything. Not only here. Silence of sudden onset. Well. I haven't been all that bad lately. At the same time it wouldn't be quite honest to say that I have been absolutely all right. Last time I was here, I was a bit worried about my lack of belief if anything. Lost faith long ago. That is another thing you can only lose once. I don't know. Maybe a dose of faith in anything would help.

Some traps are for ever, you just cannot escape form them. , Others are not so bad , think hard enough and you can find a way to get out. If you are lucky.

What do you believe in ?

Metaphysics or even ordinary physics is fine when you are in the mood for it.Honestly I am not in the mood right now. Something drags me inexorably towards that statement about forgiveness and detachment. I have seen all the comments about forgiveness as well as detachment. How does one learn to forgive? Is forgiveness an acquired trait? Not many people can forgive or forget. And they are the ones who do rpretty well in life. In this life I mean. So how can forgiveness be good. Assuming that life ends with death, what does forgiveness fetch.

I return to the question of future. In its trivial sense, as in will the sun rise tomorrow, future probably exists. I say probabaly because one doesn't really know. But in its more profound sense, just what is future. Looking at time linearly, as a one-way road, past, present and future do appear to have some kind of meaning. After all, didn't the Big Bang happen although I wasn't actually there. And won't the sun become a red giant, or is it a white dwarf, even though I won't be there to witness that either. Leaving that general time aside, how about my personal time. My own little past and the future I dream about. All the time left to me to be lonely.

To be cursed with a view of the future. That is torture indeed. Past is bad enough. But a window into the future! By the way, what is future? Stated differently, does future exist.

Maybe loneliness implies detachment. This is not what an old comment on this blog says. It says loners are basically asocial beings with some hidden grudge in thier minds. I don't think so. May be there are loners of that version out there. But detachment is the phrase that has been on my mind for some days now. The true meaning of detachment is way beyond me. Embracing emotions, experiences. I don't know. May there is something in that.

Here is something I heard recently. Detachment is forgiveness. Yes, I did mention this on this blog the very day I heard it. I was baffled then. I am still baffled. Maybe somebody out there can help out, tell me how the two (detachment and forgiveness) equate. Just what is this detachment anyway. The subtitle of this blog reads "A fusion of fears- mythical and current". Detachment is something I encounter often enough in the mythical part of my life. As the opposite of attachment, although Synonym.com is apologetic about the antonym of attachment or detachment, that would seem to imply a lack of involvment in the events that intrude into your life. I don't mean to say that one could rise above the involvement. No way. But detachment is something a true loner knows inside out. But forgiveness. What is that. What do you forgive. Debts? Hurts? Cruelty. Come on. I haven't ever seen anyone yet who has truly forgiven anything. Maybe such saints do exist somewhere. Ultima...

Detachment is Forgivenss. Really !! Wow. That is news. More on this later.

The full splendour of solitude is never evident except to those whose voices are never heard. Not even in the realm of blogs. The loneliness of pain. The loneliness of utter old age. The loneliness of failure. The helpless isolation of the spoke in a wheel. Solitude comes in many flavours. Emptiness is just one of its many faces. There is also the heavy stuff. The one that crushes you down. The odd thing is most of the time you are surrounded by faceless humanity. But who cares. It is the other guy after all, not you.

When winter gets ready to pack up and leave I feel sad. It is a bit like a faithful friend departing. I know, he will be back. Even when I am not here anymore he will definitely be back. Looking for old buddies. Draped in the white he loves. With his heart all cold as ever. Making you wish he won't be so constant. And then leaving you feeling nostalgic. I am sure the grim reaper is white. That is not the color he is usually portrayed in, but what else can it be, but white. Maybe he even has a dove for a pet.

Being friends is like losing weight. The tough part is remaining that way. Gosh ! How deep can a person get!

Solitude is addicting. You get to love the feeling of being all alone and unwanted so much that you actually feel the pain of company pretty bad. Nights and days and weeks merging into eons of utter silence. Peek into my soul and I see the darkness of eternity smirking back.

It gets tiresome after a while. To keep on and on about loneliness, depression, mood swings. Surely there is more to life than mere whining. Like some one said in a respone to a previous post in this blog, loners are basically selfish people, thinking about themselves all the time. I am beginning to think that he had a point there. I mean, what the heck, people are suffering all over the place and here are the glorious loners of the world wallowing in self pity. And all that is bothering us, self styled loners, is some chemical in the neural network of the brain gone nuts. Great!! But on second thoughts, what are blogs for. I mean personal blogs. If I cannot open up here, where on earth can I do that. The whole problem with being a loner is that he/she is not quite given to socializing. So along came blogs and did we jump on to that ! In the process, people who would die rather than confess to personal problems in their normal, 'real' life open up like hurricanes and whine. I...

All right, I am back. Not exactly the greatest event of the month or whatever. But here I am. For whatever it is worth. I am told that physical exercise is good for the mind. Even delays Alzeimer's. May be it does, maybe the blood supply to the brain increases and you perk up. Like a watared plant. I have to try that out. So what has been happening in the blog world of loners and depressives. Not much, I see. Some comings and some goings, Eventual return to wherever you sprouted from. Dust or whatever. Great. Same old world. Real life is so unreal

I had an unusually bad bout of depression. So I really couldn't force myself to even sit in front of a monitor and watch myself rant and snivel. Now I think I am coming out of that. Partly at least. This is bad. This thing called depression. Even the knowledge that you are not alone in enduring the numbness is barely sufficient consolation. But I must thank those did bother to read my blog even when it was not being updated. Hey, Rain, special thanks to you, friend.

I thought I had a fairly good idea what my life is all about. But now I am confused. It sounds silly to ask, you know, questions like meaning of life and meaning of death. People have been at this ever since civilizatiion began. And we are about as close to the answer as the cavemen were. Trust me. I am not going nuts. (Although sometimes, I am not so sure). What is going on. Why am I so badly confused.

2006. 2005. Difference 1. That is about all.