A loner's Ravings

Before you start making all those New year resolutions, look back on the year past. Just check if you have kept your part of the bargain called life. I have this sinking feeling that I haven't been quite honest with life. I also have a worse sinking feeling that I am going to be the same in 2006 too. I am not really into New Year resolutions. Most of them are just expressions, figures of speech so to say. Promises you cannot possibly keep. I dislike people who don't keep promises, even if it is myself. No, I am not preaching. I am just trying to tell myself that it won't do any harm to try and be rather better next year, any year. That is about the worst New Year resolution I have heard !

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein I am talking about myself.

Thanks to all the blog friends I have now, I mean the friends who bother to actually wade through the stuff and then post a comment. Well. The problem is I don't feel so isolated now. Is that good. I mean, what good is a friendly Udall !

Rain got me. Apparently I have been busted. I am not very sure about the rules of this game, but let me see if I got the basics right: Once busted, you confess, to at least three grave secrets in your life. Is that right ? 1. Like Rain I sing in the bath too, the difference is, I have no idea what I am singing. Anyway I hope it can be called singing. 2. I like comics, including live ones 3. I agree with the guys who say evolution is not over yet. 4. And I think the net is the closest thing to the human brain

Outlive the torture. Do not forsake your faith. The season is here again. In spite of all the commerce, it is still about the eternal flame in humans rising from death itself. . And a very personal bond, between god and man. Everlasting faith and trust. See the lighted trees blink. Skip the commercials. This is for real. .

There was this old lady Near my place. I say "Good Morning" And she answers "I will tell you Good morning When morning really comes" She tells me her nephew will be visting today. But he doesn't come. Ever. And she says quietly, "It is so peaceful When you dont have any one to wait for". Her words demand silence. She is well over ninety, Everyone says she is demented Waiting for her nephew who will never come. And never complaining she is lonely. She is still so very pretty I tell her she must have been ravishing in her youth. She smiles. She looks happy. And then, Before the nephew could come With the cherries Or was it cherry blossoms For her, She left.

I feel like a mororn. Maybe I am one. This is bound to happen when I mix things up my own special way. I should know. Happens to me all the time in real life.

Why blog? Spreading your heart out to the world never helped anyone yet. And yet here I am pouring out the secrets of my petty life into a blog. The great thing though, is that I do feel better after I do this. In my extrablog life, I keep myself to myself. And get along pretty all right too. Ok, so I don't have friends. No shoulder's to weep on, so to say. (But then who wants to weep anyway !) I am generally seen as the reserved type. Immune to feelings. Come on ! Maybe that is why I blog.

I have to see what I can do about the problem. The problem being myself, I am not sure I can handle it though. I have thought about this so hard my head is full of nothing else. And I am nowhere near an answer. Mainly, I think the issue is just what do I want? I mean, apart from the food-clothing-shelter stuff. Beats me, this part always beats me. Ok, I am a loner, which in the old lingo is the same as an introvert. Right? Yeah, I appreciate there are levels of lonliness and gradations all the way from the merely physical to the loneliness of the soul. (Wow!). That doesn't account for this aloofness, if you get my meaning. I mean I look and behave normal. I relate with people. And yet there is this gaping hollow somewhere inside. Like something is missing or never was in the ifrst place. Yes, this can be called whining. This also fits the description of being totally self-centred. But this is my life and I gotta find my way around.

Truth. What a joke !

I hate parties. But you cannot avoid some. So there I was. Looking like a fool. I didn't hear any wailing or gnashing of teeth. Instead people were laughing and dancing and generally having a good time. I guess that is the thing to do at parties. Ok. I am not complaining. The party was great, the guests were great. Life is great. These days I try to hmm... mix. Not a great success. But hey, I might get along.

First I learned there are other loners out there. Then I learned there are people out there who care. People who actually seem to be concerned about you. And all the time I had assumed a sort of worthlessness which now seems to be, well, rather disproportionate. Sure, I knew there are nice people in this world. I never knew there were great people. Ok, I am not talking about GREAT people, you know. I am talking about the ordinary people with the spark of greatness in them. What can be greater than caring about a fellow human being whom you don't even know.

With the heat of fever frying your brain, it is comfortable just lying down and staring at nothingness. There is some moisture oozing from the eyes and this heaviness in the eyelids. The brain is absolutely blank. Wow. The theory about black holes must be true. I feel like one right now. Heavy. Absurd. When you cannot see yourself, that is the vicinity of a black hole. I must have seen that tree in some dream. Gesturing like a witch. I am sure I have seen this fellow somewhere. Maybe I will recollect later on.