A loner's Ravings

Before you start making all those New year resolutions, look back on the year past. Just check if you have kept your part of the bargain called life. I have this sinking feeling that I haven't been quite honest with life. I also have a worse sinking feeling that I am going to be the same in 2006 too. I am not really into New Year resolutions. Most of them are just expressions, figures of speech so to say. Promises you cannot possibly keep. I dislike people who don't keep promises, even if it is myself. No, I am not preaching. I am just trying to tell myself that it won't do any harm to try and be rather better next year, any year. That is about the worst New Year resolution I have heard !

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein I am talking about myself.

Thanks to all the blog friends I have now, I mean the friends who bother to actually wade through the stuff and then post a comment. Well. The problem is I don't feel so isolated now. Is that good. I mean, what good is a friendly Udall !

Rain got me. Apparently I have been busted. I am not very sure about the rules of this game, but let me see if I got the basics right: Once busted, you confess, to at least three grave secrets in your life. Is that right ? 1. Like Rain I sing in the bath too, the difference is, I have no idea what I am singing. Anyway I hope it can be called singing. 2. I like comics, including live ones 3. I agree with the guys who say evolution is not over yet. 4. And I think the net is the closest thing to the human brain

Outlive the torture. Do not forsake your faith. The season is here again. In spite of all the commerce, it is still about the eternal flame in humans rising from death itself. . And a very personal bond, between god and man. Everlasting faith and trust. See the lighted trees blink. Skip the commercials. This is for real. .

There was this old lady Near my place. I say "Good Morning" And she answers "I will tell you Good morning When morning really comes" She tells me her nephew will be visting today. But he doesn't come. Ever. And she says quietly, "It is so peaceful When you dont have any one to wait for". Her words demand silence. She is well over ninety, Everyone says she is demented Waiting for her nephew who will never come. And never complaining she is lonely. She is still so very pretty I tell her she must have been ravishing in her youth. She smiles. She looks happy. And then, Before the nephew could come With the cherries Or was it cherry blossoms For her, She left.

I feel like a mororn. Maybe I am one. This is bound to happen when I mix things up my own special way. I should know. Happens to me all the time in real life.

Why blog? Spreading your heart out to the world never helped anyone yet. And yet here I am pouring out the secrets of my petty life into a blog. The great thing though, is that I do feel better after I do this. In my extrablog life, I keep myself to myself. And get along pretty all right too. Ok, so I don't have friends. No shoulder's to weep on, so to say. (But then who wants to weep anyway !) I am generally seen as the reserved type. Immune to feelings. Come on ! Maybe that is why I blog.

I have to see what I can do about the problem. The problem being myself, I am not sure I can handle it though. I have thought about this so hard my head is full of nothing else. And I am nowhere near an answer. Mainly, I think the issue is just what do I want? I mean, apart from the food-clothing-shelter stuff. Beats me, this part always beats me. Ok, I am a loner, which in the old lingo is the same as an introvert. Right? Yeah, I appreciate there are levels of lonliness and gradations all the way from the merely physical to the loneliness of the soul. (Wow!). That doesn't account for this aloofness, if you get my meaning. I mean I look and behave normal. I relate with people. And yet there is this gaping hollow somewhere inside. Like something is missing or never was in the ifrst place. Yes, this can be called whining. This also fits the description of being totally self-centred. But this is my life and I gotta find my way around.

Truth. What a joke !

I hate parties. But you cannot avoid some. So there I was. Looking like a fool. I didn't hear any wailing or gnashing of teeth. Instead people were laughing and dancing and generally having a good time. I guess that is the thing to do at parties. Ok. I am not complaining. The party was great, the guests were great. Life is great. These days I try to hmm... mix. Not a great success. But hey, I might get along.

First I learned there are other loners out there. Then I learned there are people out there who care. People who actually seem to be concerned about you. And all the time I had assumed a sort of worthlessness which now seems to be, well, rather disproportionate. Sure, I knew there are nice people in this world. I never knew there were great people. Ok, I am not talking about GREAT people, you know. I am talking about the ordinary people with the spark of greatness in them. What can be greater than caring about a fellow human being whom you don't even know.

With the heat of fever frying your brain, it is comfortable just lying down and staring at nothingness. There is some moisture oozing from the eyes and this heaviness in the eyelids. The brain is absolutely blank. Wow. The theory about black holes must be true. I feel like one right now. Heavy. Absurd. When you cannot see yourself, that is the vicinity of a black hole. I must have seen that tree in some dream. Gesturing like a witch. I am sure I have seen this fellow somewhere. Maybe I will recollect later on.

The tree was fine when I saw it last time. I don't quite recollect how long ago that was. I do recollect the tree was fine. Now I see it again. All shrivelled up, The glorious leaves gone, So too the pride. It looks old, Maybe feels old, wasted, useless What happened to you, old friend? What bolt of destiny struck you down. I doubt you will ever hold that head up again Against the sky, against the wind, against time. But don't you worry. We are with you. Shrunk, shrivelled, shaken down No matter. We are with you.

I guess I am in the minority here. I mean, the thing about being self absorbed. Ok. Everyone is self absorbed to some extent. One has to be. How else can life go on. But the loner is not not self absorbed in quite that way. It is a state of mind. Lack of involvement, possibly deliberate lack of involvement. And the sense of not having done the right thing, the feeling that maybe I should have gotten involved. And then the guilt. That is some state of mind all right !! Are blogs better than Prozac , Anyway I haven't heard of blog induced mania.

Loners are not really self absorbed. It is just that our tribe, the tribe of loners don't mix very well emotionally with the crowd. That is not self absoption. That is the view from the ringside. But at times the world and life gets to the loner too, with a punch in the face. In real life we wear our masks pretty well. Here in the blogworld the mask is thrown away. And the scarred souls peek out. Rainstorm1212 said it nicely. Stay too long in the dark and it consumes you. I agree. Maybe this is natures way of recalling you back to the basic reality of the world. Even if it means a broken solitude.

What a mess ! How on earth do people talk to each other. How do normals communicate. How do I manage to say the wrong thing everytime. Just screwed up once again what is most important for me. I have that gift. I can screw up just about anyhting.

Is loner same as depression. Am I depressed. I guess I am, most of the time, like most of the people I know. But I think there is more to a loner than just depression. There is a kind of hole, a hiatus in the soul., so to say. Even in the non-depressed state, even when everything is going smooth, or seems to be going smooth, the sense of loneliness never deserts you. That is a constant companaion, ever faithful. Yes I would say I am rather depressed. ALthough I have no idea why. And I would say I am a loner, apart from the depression. It is like watching the world from the stands. You know, like a movie. Things happen all around you, to people you adore and love, to strangers. Things that leave you feeling sad and helpless. Same as watching a movie. There isn't anything I can do about it.

I met him again. The dark shadow of my life. He is relentless. I must say, he has lots of patience. The funny thing is sometimes you can walk right through him. And he never seems to notice. Maybe he is just a shadow. The shadow of ancient fears. Stalking me.

It is so much more easy to mess things up than to get them right. No big deal, of course. But I just messed things some more. And I never knew it could get worse !

This has been a real bad time for me. A gigantic nosedive, so to say. I think I am slowly rising from the ruins of my mind. The darkness that surrounded me for the past few weeks is now slowly dissipating. That may not be such a good thing. Beacuse, usually this is just a prelude to worse things round the corner. I haven't seen that guy for sometime now. I suspect he engulfed me totally. Like in swallowed. What did Jonah feel like inside that whale's belly. I think I know. This time though I have been lucky. Didn't get digested.

What do you know. I have run out of stuff to write. Absolute blank! What a day. I am goinf to force myself to write, though. It won't do to stop this, the only thing that keeps me going. The knowledge that my blog loves me. Today was actually no worse than any other. Now that I sit myself down and think about it, actually I have very little to complain about. So what is the matter ! Why on earth or mars am I in such a cadaveric mood. (Couldn't think of a better word). Maybe it is all this whiteness getting to my nerves. Although I never knew I had any nerves. Or maybe I should be seeing some doc.

Been quite some time since I have been here. That numbness still remains. Pretty bad time for me. Definitely not the best of times. Searching for some meaning to all this. Any ideas?

Thank you, kind stranger. Will try what you recommend. Although normally I sleep around the time you suggest I wake myself up. Bizarre. Anyway it is good to know people care. Maybe the funk thing I had is wearing off. Maybe, just maybe I can write again. After all, the mist that seemed to cover my brain is slowly clearing. I can see a bit now. Off and on. What is hope?

This blue funk is going to last longer than I thought. I just cannot find the energy. I mean, I am Zapped. And so tired. I guess one does get sick of things eventually. Writing just this much leaves me almost physically sick ! Maybe I will be able to return. Maybe I can write, some time

I am a bit more down today than usual. I wish I could get up enough energy to blog. What a day !!

What is normal? I am not normal. Every one says so. I know it myself. What I don't know is, what is normal anyway. Everything is the same. For me. For them. But then how come I am the one who is not normal ! Beats me.

I haven't been at this post for a few days. You know, kind of got messed up. Now isn't that funny. I never knew things could get messier! Anyway, I have got this new question. The question of not fitting in. Of being forever lonely. Of not belonging. Good. That kind of defines a loner. Not necessarily the depressed, asocial sort of loner, but the generic variety. It is all about statistics. Normal, social beings are merely the ones who fit into the statsistical definiton of socailly normal person. I am not that kind. I guess, there are more of this tribe on this planet than anyone suspects. People who barely manage to get along, all the time wondering what on earth they are doing here, in this crowd. I know I feel that way more often than I care to remember. Each passing day leaves me more bewildered. Maybe there is a meaning to human existence. Maybe there is more to life than food, clothing and shelter. Maybe in somebody's infinite wisdom, that meaning has merely been hi...

Winter taps at my door once again. The birds are headed south. I suppose it is south. Desolate whiteness will soon cover everything. White stands for what? Peace. Prosperity. Don't make me laugh. It stands for utter, unspeakable loneliness. It stands for sheer cold. Cold that eats into your being. Maybe times have changed. Maybe white is not what it used to be. Maybe I am outdated.

He comes to me often these days. Silently. A presence i feel before I actually see that transparent shimmer which is him. He doesn't talk. Maybe he is like me. Maybe he doesn't like to talk. Maybe he just blogs instead. No noise. No sounds of any kind. No nothing, if I may say so. He merely felts. [Can't think of a shorter word than that, to say makes himself felt. I have to think up a better word though. Any suggestions on that?]

It is dark. So it must be night. Anyway there is no sun in the sky down there. And I can hear the breath of the night, the sweet stench of doom draping the world. I can feel that also. I am pretty good at feeling things like this. There is this person. I have absolutely no idea who he is. I need to be frank about this. I don't really care who or what that person is. All I do notice is that he seems to be made of some kind of plastic. I can see through him. Except where his heart intervenes. He is a big fellow. May be close to seven. I wonder why he is draped in such black stuff. Especially since it doesn't hide anything. And there isn't much to see anyway, except the road going through him. And the shimmer of his substance. He seems to be in front of me. Mostly. Part of him is behind me though. The tremendous silence engulfing me must be owing to this guy. Because, most of the time this walkway is pretty noisy. And crowded.

Today was not particularly bad as days go. I had my usual share of being alone. Deep in the madding crowd. Sometimes I wonder who among the multitude teeming around me are actually of my special category - loners. We don't tell each other you see. And when we do tell, we use odd names, hmm. like loner2. My other life, the one everyone assumes is my real one, went off as usual. The same old crowd. The same old nonsense uttered all around. Everyone pretending to be the best guy or gal on the planet. Man, it is quaint. Oh, I forgot to mention this one. I need to tell about my dreams. Some people would call them nightmares. So brace yourself for some weird posts. Most of them are going to be disjointed, 'cause like most people I don't remember the dreams in full. But unlike Plato, I do know they are dreams. Maybe they ARE dreams. In fact I believe they are dreams. Just dreams.

Now that the waiting is over and the calamity was not as bad as everyone feared, I can go back to my loner status again. Which brings up the question: What has a loner got to do with involvement? I mean, what does a loner mean anyway ! Let the rebuilding commence. I go back to my old shell again.

First she went and got leukemia. Then she took part of her chemotherpy and just disappeared. Then she reappeard with a husband in tow. She was six months pregnant. She went to the labour room at term. Then he went and hanged himself. Now she is left with a baby girl and a leukemia.

When two million people flee the wrath of mother nature it is silly to talk about loneliness. At times even loners feel at one with everyone else. This is such a time. Thank whoever downgraded her to Cat 2

The swirlings winds do not care who you are. Neither do the swells. And yet... I wonder. Maybe there are gradations in natural disaster vcitims too.

I have been thinking. Maybe guilt, actual or imagined has somehting to do with loneliness. Not to mention inferiority and other things. But how does guilt correlate with loneliness. Take me as a case in point. There are things I wish I hadn't done. Maybe, just maybe, that is one thing that prevents me from opening up.

I come again to the levels of loneliness stuff. Are there infinite levels of loneleiness? Infinite is uncountable. Transcendental, as RWE would say. But 2005 is so far away from 1836. Society is not what it used to be. But, is it necessary to be deliberately lonely? Is that what an exile means. Find a silent corner somewhere, sit yourself down there, and ask what all that silence means. It doesnot imply loneliness. You can be physically lonely and yet be one with the rest of the world. You can be in the midst of the rush hour and yet be totally marooned within yourself. Continue that for a sufficient length of time and you can forget about socializing. As for spiritual loneliness, there is no working definition of loneliness that is universally applicable in this miserable age. Come to think of it, who is not lonely? Most people go through life without ever realizing that when the chips are down they are alone. Long live faith. That was one of the first things I lost. Having lost Faith...

I was asked this question today. And I put it to you as it was asked. How do you define an acceptable lie? Are there acceptable lies ? This was followed by a Question: How to be a hardcore liar. I suppose this is all about the so called white lies. You utter them to save your worthless skin. And then feel upset or delighted according to who you are. As for me, my whole life being a big lie, the question makes no sense. More importantly, I ask myself. How do you define truth . Given the situation of the world as of today. How many "acceptable lies" did I utter today? I am amazed. They are beyond count. Starting with the time I wake up to the time I somehow manage to close my eyes, with ample help from hmmm..Ok, that is not important right now. I tried to the ultimate answer tool:google. :-)and checked out Acceptable lies and got 402 pages. I also learned that most of it relates to law or government (Why am I not surpprised !). There are also unacceptable truths. More on that ...

How many levels of loneliness can a person rise to? The lowest would be mere physical loneliness. The lack of physical proximity to other humans, excluding extreme conditions such as imprisonment. (More on that topic later). As you rise higher up the loner's ladder you reach the level of psychological loneliness which is where most of us confirmed loners acually are. In this state you have people milling alla around you. But you are not part of the crowd. Empathy. I believe that is the word. Lack thereof. Next is a kind of spiritual loneliness wherein the lack of faith in anything whatsoever leaves you wondering what on earth you are doing here. And finally there is the existential loneliness where you are sure there is no meaning to the previous question. So what am I doing here?

I stayed by the beach yesterday. Most of the night. There is a deadly shimmer in the darkness and the thunder of waves. That is all I can make of the sea. Occasional walls rise out of the darkness and glare at me. I wonder what that wave must have looked like. The one on Dec 26, 2004. That of course wouldn't have given me time to ponder! And Katrina. What about Katrina. And here I am moaning about loneliness!

I skip the heading. They don't do me much good anyway. Except a headache. Plain posts are better. And a lot easier too. Today was not all that bad, as days go. I mean, there are days and then there are days. I would count today as one of my better days. Went down to the beach. And there were the waves, roaring in. Prettry tall, some of them. I prefer the beach with the sun down. The waves look sort of beckoning. And they call you. The crash of all that salt water in the darkness. Reminds me of all the souls that are inside. Of his bones are corals made kind of stuff. There was this eerie deep red wink of a light in the horizon. That must be the remnant of the sun.

I talked to him at ten in the morning. At eleven he had a massive coronary and was gone. Just like that. Leaves you sort of numb. Especially because I suspect he rather enjoyed life. Just before he left he told me "Will see you later". Now I wonder what on earth he meant by that. Did he have some kind of premonition. I doubt that. After all what else do you tell a friend. And yet. I couldn't see the hand of death holding him. He looked so vibrant, so full of that ethereal stuff - life. Death doesn't smell. Not immediately anyway. It didn't take away his smile, either. Now here. Now gone. Period. I guess i have to get used to the idea. That he won't be seeing me around here. A smile that actually warmed me up somewhat will never beem upon me again. Odd. Adieu.

Why am I writing this stuff? It isn't fun. Mostly I am talking to myself (just the thing my shrink says a person ike me would do!). This is a sort of worm hole to the my existence. (Deep!). When the dark matter gets to me this is a nice way out.

The evening sun shades the water a strange red. The sombre ripples pat the shore and lap at my feet. The lake is eerily silent. The growl of silence is scary but I feel at peace with the lake. Much blood has this lake seen. And much misery. Look close. You could see the shadows deep in its soul. Sometimes sad, sometimes even happy. But forever silent. Eons worth of secerts coccooned in its depth. Now the wind moans. The ripples become waves. The lake is annoyed and angry. What do you want with me? I am ageless. Do not pry. Leave my secrets to me. You have no idea what you are upto. You cannot fathom my secrets. If you could, you would perish instantly. But I am not prying. And I can do without your secrets. I have enough of my own. All I want now is sit by your side and listen and indulge in your silence.

22-Sep-2005 Goodbye old buddy. Maybe it is nature's way of playing funny. Giving man about seventy years of life and his best friend just about ten. Remember the good times we had, friend. You were a pup bursting with life. And then there was you at twelve, wizened like an old grape. I am sure we will meet again. Somewhere. Sometime. Till then,King,adieu. I am going to miss you real bad.

I have been thinking hard. I still haven't got the answer to who is a loner and who is an exile. By the way, is this the same thing they call depression. It gets a bit confusing. Is it possble to be lonely and happy at the same tie. Ok, maybe not entirely happy. But reasonably happy. Maybe I can find the answer. Someday.

Ok. An existential question has come up. What is a loner? Are there grades of lonliness. I know this is silly. But in the heights of loneliness (or is it the depths) the whiteness of winter appeals more to me. There are less lonely times, when I don't mind the good things of this world. You know, stuff like flowers and birds and all that. Not that I have anything against flowers, mind you. It is just that at times, I wonder what all this is for. Am I an exile? Sure I am. Marooned in middle of humanity. Am I proud of that? No way. I wish I could be like others. Have frends, retain friendships. But there is some kind of wall around me which I cannot see, cannot penetrate. Some kind of invisble sea all around me, keeping me forever on my ittle island. Do I have anything against the guys who can enjoy the company of others. No. I watch them and I tell them, in my mind, they are lucky. Even if they don't always realize they are lucky. Loneliness of the soul. Loss of all faith. What ...

It is spring time agaian! How quaint! The stupid flowers are upping again. And the stupid birds are chirping again. So what. Personally I prefer the winter. I mean, less presumptve. Less showy. All the loners out there would know what that means.

Hey! What do you know. I am actually happy today. Some kind of miracle or am I going whacky! Maybe the manic phase, right? Got to see my shrink. The thing is I get worried, when I am happy. Inappropriate happiness. Cool.

It is funny how things look different after time has retouched your messed up life. All those sweet nonsenses sound exactly that: nonsenses without the sweetness. And you wonder how on earth you could have been so silly. And so stupid. The winter this time round isn't so cold. But the old romances are dead all right. And buried under tons of snow. It is like those apartments where you find the windows frozen shut because the snow is now ice. She seems to have decided the ice is better than me, as friends go. And maybe warmer too. So here I am. your old loner2 again! Wow. That does call for a good deal of effort. To remain a loner.

I made a promise. Now I wonder. What is a promise anyway ? Is it a two way system, Or do you just have to keep your part of it. And, screw the the other part. It sounds so much like humbug, I suspect it is humbug. I kept my promise for such along time I am now tired. And sick of it.

The silent ripples tell no tales as the river flows down the town. Like the dead, the silence is all the story you get to hear. And you sit on the bank and wonder and you hear not even yourself. One day you must be part of this. The unto dust stuff. That day seemed so far off. Not anymore though. Now I can almost hear the eternal silence.

This IS a screwy world. Whoever created it had a real bizarre sense of macabre humor. I just cannot stand this . Am I alone. I guess I am. Screw the planets and the galaxies and the big screwpot who created all this or did nothing to prevent this smuck being created. In a way i guess I am supposed to like this, all this. Don't wierdo's love wierd stuff. Ok. maybe that is true. But i just cannot. Look here. I am not talking about any %$&*ing existential question, ok. I am talking about. Life as in where you eat and shit and love and sleep. That is what is screwy. And I will let you guys in on a secert. My shrink is screwy too, only difference is he doesn't know it.